by Patty Wipfler — written 9/13/01, revised 3/03

We all are struggling to deal thoughtfully with the War on Terrorism, and the cascade of feelings it has triggered in each of us. We are now exposed to daily images of death and strife. In the U.S. and the U.K, we face the marketing of war as a solution, and the human and material expense of the age-old tool of violence will be exacted from us, our loved ones, and our communities. All this in response to the disaster on U.S. soil on September 11th.

What is a parent to do? How do we explain the war to our children, and how do we keep fulfilling our responsibility to protect and nurture them? How do we teach them peaceful ways of resolving differences, while violence is being touted as a solution?

There is, at heart, no way to understand murderous acts, whether they are done to gain political power or are, like neighborhood crime, a manifestation of the failures of a society to identify and help its most troubled individuals. People hurting people simply doesn't make sense. Children's minds are jammed with upset and hurt when they are exposed to violence of any kind, because it is inherently offensive, inherently inhuman. So we as Moms and Dads must handle these sad and unwelcome events in ways that hurt our children as little as possible.

Here are some thoughts about caring well for our children and ourselves during difficult times.

• First, we need to set aside time to talk with each other, and work through some of our feelings and reactions, at times and places separate from our children. We adults carry a heavy load of feelings about these events. We have been made to feel helpless and hopeless about both current events and historical events over and over again. We've had to cover our grief and outrage with resignation or indifference, because there is so little room in our society for the full expression of healthy protest. So often, the first task is to remember what and who we care most about. From there, we can remember the hopes we had as children that the world would be sweet, safe, and just. We need to let our thoughts about who we love and our longings for safety and justice lead to emotional release in crying, trembling, and an open show of upset. We need to do this with other adults. It will help us recover our ability to pay attention to the power we do have and to what we can do in our own families and communities to make the world right. We won't communicate well with our children unless we take time to express and unload our deep feelings. We should not expect our children to handle the bulk of that load.
  
  
• It is important, however, for our children to see that we care about people, about justice in the world, and about bringing an end to people harming people. If you are upset, go ahead and cry openly, but without detailed explanation of your feelings. "I'm sad about something I heard on the news" is fine, along with "and I just need to cry for a little while to get the sadness out." What children don't need to hear is expressions of anger, hopelessness, or helplessness.
  
  
• It is not helpful for very young children to know all the details of what has happened. They can't digest violent behavior, and can become terrified by exposure to the graphic images and the feelings of horror and drama that we attach to the details. To keep young children from becoming unnecessarily terrified, we can
  
  
  • Shield them from the media. TV reports, newspaper photographs, and radio commentary can communicate that adults do not feel safe, in charge, or trustful of others. Get your news after the children have gone to bed, or while you're commuting in your car. Don't let news of the war erode the sense of connection and caring that you work so hard to build in your family.
    
    
  • Offer an accurate perspective on "off-track" behavior. The casting of some people as good and some as bad is a construct that promotes misunderstanding and is used to market injustice in today's world. We need to let our children know that we all are good, and we all do things that are "off track" when we feel hurt or afraid. They need to know that some children are treated very badly growing up. But if someone steps in, stops the hurtful behavior, and stays close, a hurt person can change. We don't always know how to step in, and people are often not brave enough, or quick enough to catch people before they've grown up and are able to do more harm. That's what we're trying to learn. Our older children need to know that some groups are targeted for mistreatment, but if a whole group of people organizes and works for justice, with respect as a guiding principle, they can create justice without promoting violence, even when the situation doesn't look hopeful.

    We need to disavow the attitude that some people are evil and deserve to die. This attitude is one that we as a race must replace so that we can live peacefully with each other, and mend the injustices that breed hopelessness and violence. We have much work to do to develop effective but nonviolent ways of preventing people from doing harm. We'll need minds dedicated to the more subtle but more accurate perception that an originally good person lies beneath a load of hurt that has created harmful behavior.
    

  • Keep concentrating on our present lives, the tasks and routines of every day, and the goodness of being together and enjoying one another.
    
    
  • When explanation is needed, explain the events in general terms, and in terms that your child can understand. For example, you could say that lots of adults feel upset, that some people have decided to stop a man who was hurting people by going and hurting him and his friends. You can explain that you have feelings, too, and that you will be talking to other grownups to take care of your upsets about it.

Children who are exposed to the images on TV or to tense, distressed adult talk will need explicit reassurance. They will need to know specifically that they are safe, that all is well, and that you will be doing what you know how to do to help people work together so harmful things don't have to happen again.

If you are asked why this happened, fashion your answer to your child's age and experience. Acknowledge that we grownups haven't yet figured out how to have everything fair for everybody in the world. You can explain, for instance, that when they don't feel that things are fair for them, they may get mad and cry about it, and that you listen to their feelings, and then you work out solutions. But for many people, there's no one to listen or to help them enough with their concerns. So sometimes people get mad and do things they never really wanted to do. They try to get attention, and they do it in hurtful ways.

When talking about injustice and human irrationality, it's also important to remind children of what you do in your family to help each other when one of you needs attention. For instance, you resolve fights by listening carefully. You make sure people don't speak hurtfully about anyone else. You ask someone to listen to your own feelings of upset whenever you can. And you reach out to people you know have had trouble, so that they don't lose hope or their connection with others.

In the end, though, irrational acts don't make sense to children, because they don't make sense, period. So don't try too hard to get the explanation "right." The facts don't make irrationality understandable. Young children need an explanation of why the adults around them are reacting, that all in their world is still OK, and that we are taking care of them. They need to know that no one is going to bring violence to them. They need to see that we don't give up loving, caring, and working to make life good in our families and our communities.

If your child has become frightened by the tones, words, or images he has seen, he will find ways to bring up his fears that may be indirect. For example, he may wake up crying in the night, may get upset over not getting to sit on your lap during dinnertime, or may have a tantrum over not being able to find the shoes he wanted to wear today. Our children need us to LISTEN at these times, to stay close and reassure them while they feel the feelings in a big way. "You can sit on my lap after dinner, I promise," said with a relaxed tone, will let your child cry and fight out the feelings of fear and tension until your reassurance sinks in. "We'll find your other shoe, but right now, I don't know where it is," will work just fine to give him an outlet for his fears and worries.

Children need these small upsets to serve as "can openers" for the emotions they have stored away. They usually choose a safe family time, like dinnertime or bedtime, or a challenging time like leaving for school or day care in the morning, to break out into upset so they can offload the feelings, then sense that they are safe again. When you listen, you can expect the feelings to last a good while. The warmer and more loving you are, the more intense the feelings will become. This is normal, healthy, and a wonderful acknowledgment of the sense of safety you have provided. Don't mention the crisis that you think may be attached to all these feelings. Children's emotional release process can be stopped cold by our interpretations. It works better to keep referring to the small issue at hand, which your child chose because it was just the size he could handle.

And finally, when faced with a crisis, our political leaders have been known to use the painful emotion of the moment to promote blame, mistrust, revenge, and other toxic emotions that advance economic and political agendas. The spread of real justice, human understanding, and a sharing of power and resource in the world are not served when we buy in to fault-finding and violent reaction. In times of crisis, we need to listen well to people's feelings, to help remove the reactive edge so people can think more clearly. We also need to make sure we speak out and organize against reactive "solutions" that do nothing to address the injustices that spawn irrationality and division between people.

As parents, we know that it takes a great amount of person-to-person love, work, and commitment to keep a group of people working cooperatively together. The skills we develop as parents are exactly what is needed to heal our human community, person by person. May we draw closer to each other, including people whose lives seem to be different than our own, and listen with compassion, to heal the hurts we're witness to and responsible for, and the injustices beneath them.

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