How Can I Help my Angry Pre-Teen?
Q. I’m afraid my middle-school-aged daughter is going to turn into an “angry teenager.” Things seem to be going well for her right now but she can be unhappy, aggressive and moody, and she sometimes gets physical. She had a very hard time in elementary school. Is it possible that she could be working out feelings from years ago from things that upset her that she might not even be conscious of now? If so, how do I help her deal with them? Does a teenager end up crying to help heal the hurts or do they deal with things in a different way?
A. The issues that are troubling in early childhood do migrate into adolescence, if a child's feelings that come from early difficulties aren't cried, stormed, or laughed through with the help of a supportive adult. It's those long-stored feelings that makes for an angry teen: the young person has been trying to hold feelings at bay for a long time. Finding no one who knew how to listen to her feelings a child feel isolated and frightened. Those early childhood feelings get pasted on present situations—“You never listen to me!” or “You’re not really interested—just go away!” can easily be echoes of earlier experiences that didn’t go well for a child or for her parents. When children try to get their upset feelings heard, most of us parents do as the culture tells us, which is the best thing we know how to do. We try to get them to stop crying, or stop being angry. We tell them their upsets don't make sense (and, looking at things logically, we're right, but the emotional truth at those moments is the important one). Then, children have to bottle it all up once again. So the fear and sadness they have stored since early childhood erupt cloaked in anger by the time they are teens, because the feelings of isolation have created a thick cover over the frightened, vulnerable feelings they need to express as healing tears and trembling release the tension.
This is no fault of yours--it happens in every family. It's the result of a culture that shows little emotional understanding, and one that works parents so hard that they don't have time to play with and relax with their children.
So now, what to do? One possible move is to find her a counselor--someone outside the family to talk to can be very helpful. But if she doesn't like the counselor after one session, move on and find another. Kids can tell very quickly whether it will click and be a useful relationship. The credentials a person has have little to do with whether your child will feel safe with them.
Ultimately, she wants YOU to know and understand her feelings, and it's your attention that will be most powerful force in helping her through the feelings she has been storing. No counselor can do what you can do in her life. Bringing your attention to her, even when you're not sure what to do, is a good move.
Can you and she get away for an overnight together, something fun or adventurous? Short of that, can you start and be regular about Special Time for her, doing what she likes to do? At her age, that might be experimenting with makeup, going to a movie, trying out 20 pair of high heels at the shoe mart, listening to the music she likes. Ask, and see what you and she can set up. Be delighted with her during these times. Do not bring up sore subjects. Don't ask questions, don't pry, don't refer to any of the difficulties in your lives. Just enjoy her and keep your mind focused on what a good child you have brought into the world, and what she is telling you about who she is and what she likes.
Then, when feelings begin to fly (and they will as soon as you make it safer with this uninterrupted attention), move closer and keep listening. Don't argue or try to reason. Just let her know you're sorry she has to feel this badly. And if she gets aggressive, do whatever you need to do to make sure she can't hurt you. She wants to cry and tremble, but she may have to use her strength for a time before she can open up such a vulnerable spot. So you may have to provide some resistance to help her get that positive "I am going to fight for my life!" energy going. She's fighting to get to big feelings, but it looks like she's fighting you. For instance, if she’s trying to shut you out of her room, put your foot in the door before it slams, and let her push as hard as she can against you. Our you could hold up a big pillow between you and her, so that as she fights, she lands blows that aren't damaging because of the awkward angle and the increased distance held between you and her. Or you might even direct her: “I can’t let you hurt me, and I see that you’re fuming, so just pretend that this bed is me. Here’s Johnny’s plastic bat—let me see what you feel like doing.”
The energy she expends will help her to finally release a flood of tears and perhaps some trembling, the signs that old feelings are beginning to release their hold on her mind. She won’t give you any indication that she’s healing until she’s finished with this emotional episode, but if you can ride it out, you’ll see a big change in attitude when it’s over.
In any case, asking a child to stop being intensely upset doesn't usually do much good. The child’s mind has been commandeered by an intense fight-or-flight reaction, and reason doesn't penetrate at all while that feeling is hot. It's good for children who have been frightened for a long time to fight for themselves. They don’t want to hurt anyone. They just want to do battle—there’s some old battle that they feel like they lost, long ago, and they need to recover their sense of power. It's the parent's job to try to help the child get to the root feelings by hanging in there, managing safety, and remaining conscious that is a necessary process that can open up big feelings of helplessness, isolation, despair, and fright. Once these feelings are opened and worked through, your child will feel much better.
One interesting thing I’ve found is that young people can work through their feelings of anger and the underlying fear and grief much more quickly if their parent will take a time for themselves, find a listener, and release their own feelings that stem from that earlier time. For instance, if the child witnessed angry times in the family when she was very young, it will help her to heal if her parent will find a listener and work through his or her own feelings about those particular times. Without taking this step, they can sense that we are too worried, too angry, too guilty, or too exhausted to handle the feelings they want and need to release.
Your first step would be to concentrate on the Special Time and lighthearted fun in your family. Then, get some listening time to increase the support you feel. Things will move forward from there.
A. The issues that are troubling in early childhood do migrate into adolescence, if a child's feelings that come from early difficulties aren't cried, stormed, or laughed through with the help of a supportive adult. It's those long-stored feelings that makes for an angry teen: the young person has been trying to hold feelings at bay for a long time. Finding no one who knew how to listen to her feelings a child feel isolated and frightened. Those early childhood feelings get pasted on present situations—“You never listen to me!” or “You’re not really interested—just go away!” can easily be echoes of earlier experiences that didn’t go well for a child or for her parents. When children try to get their upset feelings heard, most of us parents do as the culture tells us, which is the best thing we know how to do. We try to get them to stop crying, or stop being angry. We tell them their upsets don't make sense (and, looking at things logically, we're right, but the emotional truth at those moments is the important one). Then, children have to bottle it all up once again. So the fear and sadness they have stored since early childhood erupt cloaked in anger by the time they are teens, because the feelings of isolation have created a thick cover over the frightened, vulnerable feelings they need to express as healing tears and trembling release the tension.
This is no fault of yours--it happens in every family. It's the result of a culture that shows little emotional understanding, and one that works parents so hard that they don't have time to play with and relax with their children.
So now, what to do? One possible move is to find her a counselor--someone outside the family to talk to can be very helpful. But if she doesn't like the counselor after one session, move on and find another. Kids can tell very quickly whether it will click and be a useful relationship. The credentials a person has have little to do with whether your child will feel safe with them.
Ultimately, she wants YOU to know and understand her feelings, and it's your attention that will be most powerful force in helping her through the feelings she has been storing. No counselor can do what you can do in her life. Bringing your attention to her, even when you're not sure what to do, is a good move.
Can you and she get away for an overnight together, something fun or adventurous? Short of that, can you start and be regular about Special Time for her, doing what she likes to do? At her age, that might be experimenting with makeup, going to a movie, trying out 20 pair of high heels at the shoe mart, listening to the music she likes. Ask, and see what you and she can set up. Be delighted with her during these times. Do not bring up sore subjects. Don't ask questions, don't pry, don't refer to any of the difficulties in your lives. Just enjoy her and keep your mind focused on what a good child you have brought into the world, and what she is telling you about who she is and what she likes.
Then, when feelings begin to fly (and they will as soon as you make it safer with this uninterrupted attention), move closer and keep listening. Don't argue or try to reason. Just let her know you're sorry she has to feel this badly. And if she gets aggressive, do whatever you need to do to make sure she can't hurt you. She wants to cry and tremble, but she may have to use her strength for a time before she can open up such a vulnerable spot. So you may have to provide some resistance to help her get that positive "I am going to fight for my life!" energy going. She's fighting to get to big feelings, but it looks like she's fighting you. For instance, if she’s trying to shut you out of her room, put your foot in the door before it slams, and let her push as hard as she can against you. Our you could hold up a big pillow between you and her, so that as she fights, she lands blows that aren't damaging because of the awkward angle and the increased distance held between you and her. Or you might even direct her: “I can’t let you hurt me, and I see that you’re fuming, so just pretend that this bed is me. Here’s Johnny’s plastic bat—let me see what you feel like doing.”
The energy she expends will help her to finally release a flood of tears and perhaps some trembling, the signs that old feelings are beginning to release their hold on her mind. She won’t give you any indication that she’s healing until she’s finished with this emotional episode, but if you can ride it out, you’ll see a big change in attitude when it’s over.
In any case, asking a child to stop being intensely upset doesn't usually do much good. The child’s mind has been commandeered by an intense fight-or-flight reaction, and reason doesn't penetrate at all while that feeling is hot. It's good for children who have been frightened for a long time to fight for themselves. They don’t want to hurt anyone. They just want to do battle—there’s some old battle that they feel like they lost, long ago, and they need to recover their sense of power. It's the parent's job to try to help the child get to the root feelings by hanging in there, managing safety, and remaining conscious that is a necessary process that can open up big feelings of helplessness, isolation, despair, and fright. Once these feelings are opened and worked through, your child will feel much better.
One interesting thing I’ve found is that young people can work through their feelings of anger and the underlying fear and grief much more quickly if their parent will take a time for themselves, find a listener, and release their own feelings that stem from that earlier time. For instance, if the child witnessed angry times in the family when she was very young, it will help her to heal if her parent will find a listener and work through his or her own feelings about those particular times. Without taking this step, they can sense that we are too worried, too angry, too guilty, or too exhausted to handle the feelings they want and need to release.
Your first step would be to concentrate on the Special Time and lighthearted fun in your family. Then, get some listening time to increase the support you feel. Things will move forward from there.
