Parenting
Amid Threats of War
by Patty Wipfler
We are in the midst of a challenging time, with the
possibility of a new war looming. It's a time to be
listening and learning. This article will focus on the
challenges of parenting during this swirl of highly
charged events that will undoubtedly leave a lasting
impression on our lives.
We have access to a useful perspective because we
are parents. As we cradle our children in our arms,
we know that all the soldiers now mobilizing are someone's
precious children. Many of them also are fathers and
mothers, and have had to leave their children behind.
The damage that war does has already begun, bringing
long separations, deep fears and a profound sense of
loss in children, for they need their Daddies and Mommies.
Individuals, families, villages and towns around the
world are already hurting, and are dreading the worst.
As parents, our hearts ache. The parents on all sides
of the conflict love their children and families deeply.
As parents, we know how precious each human life
is. If we think carefully, we can fathom the reservoir
of love, resource and struggle that is poured into each
and every human being on our planet. We know the terrible
human cost of war.
Act as Parent-Citizens
As citizens of nations being drawn into war, it is
valuable to keep our perspective as parents foremost
in our minds. We are parent-citizens. As such,
we need to ask ourselves, "What actions will keep
me best able to love my children well, lead my family
responsibly, and be an active citizen during a time
of damage in our human community?"
While talk of war dominates the news, all sides are
exposed to sound bites designed to instill fear and
anger. The spin on the news obscures history and reason
by jangling personal feelings that each of us carries.
We've all been treated unfairly at times, and as children,
we've all been threatened. Most of us have had members
of our families harmed by war. Fears and leftover insult
from our personal experience become spliced onto the
present situation when leaders make threats and outline
dangers. Our feelings don't help us reason our way to
a present course of action as parent-citizens. We
need to exchange listening time with others, so we can
uninterruptedly "have our say,"
letting our feelings release so we can think more clearly.
We need to offload fear, anger and hopelessness so we
can notice opportunities amidst the difficulties, and
build community in a time of worry and disruption.
We may need to govern our exposure to the news
in order to preserve our momentum as we do the important
things that are within our power to do. Even in
time of war, our work as parents is important.
If the news reports overtake our ability to play and
enjoy our children, we can decide to get our updates
when they're asleep, or on every third day. It is in
our power to refuse to dwell on what depletes us of
hope, contentment, and ease. It's important to cuddle
our sons and daughters, resolve disputes, set limits,
listen to their feelings and play as hard as we know
how. We are parents. We insure that in an imperfect
world there is a family--ours--that offers its members
a haven of respect and love as much of the time as possible.
In our corner of the world, we foster understanding
and admit mistakes.
It makes sense to apologize to our children for
problems we grownups have not yet solved. We haven't
yet figured out how to make a just and fair world, and
how to rein in leaders who make plans to hurt people.
It's not our fault, of course, but it is our responsibility
to come up with solutions and to work together to implement
those solutions. It's good for our children to see
the concrete, everyday ways we respect each family member
as we work to balance individual needs and resolve differences.
We must find times and places to grieve openly and
fully for the lives of young men and women, who
may be forced to target and kill each other because
they happen to be a certain age, in a certain country,
at a certain time. Adults who can handle the full weight
of our feelings are usually the best people to choose
to listen to us at these times.
Peacemaking must begin where we are, with the people
we know. Non-Muslim people must make it very clear
to Muslim friends and neighbors that we want to build
mutual respect and support. Every community has people
whose hatreds will flare under the pretext of war threats.
We can make a difference by standing against such attacks,
and against the "loose talk" that members
of our families and our friends might engage in. Our
children need to see us oppose hatred and violence when
grownups vent their feelings of antagonism in public.
In doing so, we help protect our children's hopeful
and open-minded nature.
Principled people acting together are capable
of solving urgent problems without wholesale destruction
of people or the environment — Nelson
Mandela’s leadership toward the peaceful ending
of apartheid in South Africa provides one sterling example.
As parent-citizens, we must not settle for international
strategies that decimate families. And we need
to look closely to see whether, in the U.S., the pretext
of war will be used to shift resource away from people
who are vulnerable to those who are wealthy and powerful.
We need to speak and act decisively with other parents
to insure that adequate resources are available to fund
our schools, community programs, and public services.
Special Time Is an Important Discipline
During A Crisis
During a crisis, it is more important than ever to
do Special Time with our children. Special
Time pulls our minds away from hurt we can't immediately
stop, and focuses us on the "can do" work
of nurturing our children. We get to walk outside
in the mud with bare feet, or splash water all over
the bathroom floor amid peals of laughter. We get to
admire the skateboard stunts they're learning, and fall
down at the touch of a poorly thrown pillow, as though
it had knocked the wind out of us. A strong human connection
is the foundation for solving all kinds of complex human
problems, and Special Time is our training
ground for building such connections.
Special Time is for us.
Special Time keeps us in the present as we
actively love our children. We motivate ourselves to
play by "doing it for our children," but the
truth is, playing with our children gives us
a much more balanced perspective on what's important
in life. The feel of mud is interesting. The skateboard
stunts are entertainment of the very best kind. The
splashing water does create excitement for at least
a few moments! And the trust in the shining eyes of
our children after Special Time (or perhaps
after a good cry that follows) shows the love that we,
and they, were born for. Closeness, built by play and
by listening, is at the heart of healing for us and
for our world. Luckily, we parents get to build that
closeness every day.
Special Time is a
practice, a distinct way to decide daily that our minds
will not cower with fear or wilt with hopelessness.
The skies are blue, the sun rises each morning, the
birds sing, and the animals are going to be welcoming
spring in our hemisphere in a rolling greeting, from
south to north. Our children can help us to resist falling
prey to fear. They know it's the best thing in the world
to be close and have fun. Our lives go better when we
follow their sensible lead, and remember our importance
as parents.
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