Why Not Tickle
My Child?
by Patty Wipfler
Tickling is one of those customary kinds of play that is
passed down from generation to generation through our families.
It deserves to be thought about more carefully, as it's a
form of play that can, despite good intentions, hurt a child.
Adults and children often feel differently about tickling,
although those differences may go unspoken. Adults usually
perceive it as a playful activity. It gets children laughing,
so tickling looks, on the surface, like a kind of play that
children enjoy, and that is good for them. And indeed, some
children ask their parents for tickling games.
Parents are usually delighted to be asked — it feels
great to have an instant way to laugh and be playful together.
However, children frequently experience a feeling of powerlessness
while being tickled. Although most children long for physical
contact and laughter, it is a burden for them when adults
use tickling as a primary strategy for play.
In my many years of listening to adults talk about the emotional
challenges of their lives as children, tickling comes up again
and again as an experience that has been hurtful. I've listened
to a number of adults who can't relax when others are physically
close to them--they can't sleep through the night with a trusted
partner, or are internally on guard any time there's more
than casual touching between them and someone they love. When
asked what they are afraid of, their memories go straight
to being tickled as children, and not being able to get the
tickler to stop.
The foundations of healthy play with children
In healthy play, the following ground rules are usually
operating.
- Each child is respected.
- Each child has a way to succeed.
- Each child's contributions are acknowledged.
- Each child knows he/she is safe from criticism and belittlement.
- Each child can say what he/she thinks and wants. His/her
ideas may not be workable, and limits may need to be set,
but the thoughts are welcome as a worthy contribution.
- No child is coerced into a powerless or subservient role
in the guise of play. If a child has ideas aren't workable,
limits are set, but the child is offered the power of another
role in the play that does work well.
- Some adult is present or nearby, to insure that the play
stays safe, inclusive, and respectful.
- To promote laughter, the adults in the situation play
the less powerful role, leaving the role of "the swift,
the strong, the smart, and the informed" to the children.
These guidelines insure that the play is actually fun for
each person involved. They outline the kind of play that makes
parents and children feel closer and more connected with each
other, so that family life goes better for all.
Where tickling falls short
What makes tickling problematic is that children
may not be able to say when to stop, or to get away when they
want to. Most of us remember unpleasant or frightening
times when we wanted a tickler to stop, but we were laughing
so hard we couldn't tell them. Even worse was when we said
"Stop!" or tried to escape, and the tickler continued
on anyway. Often, while adults are tickling a child, they
think they're aware of what's too much and when to stop. But
it's easy to overwhelm a child without knowing it.
In general, we want our children to be able to say when touching
doesn’t feel right to them. Expecting children to enjoy
tickling or to tolerate tickling because we are trying to
play with them doesn't help a child develop his own sense
of what is appropriate. We want children to feel powerful
enough to say what they like and don’t like.
Adults and children want to play and be close
Parents and children crave times together when there's lots
of free-flowing laughter and playful contact. It's so good
for us to play, so good for us to be in touch with each other.
We parents become attached to tickling because it seems to
be a handy shortcut to laughter. We long to know that our
children are happy and responsive to us.
Rather than using our power to force laughter, we can actually
build our children's sense of safety and connection if we
get down on the floor and invite them to be in playful physical
contact with us. We can provide closeness and still allow
our children the assurance that they won't be overwhelmed.
Play such as peek-a-boo, hide-and-go-seek, piggy-back rides,
or friendly wrestling and pillow-fighting lets children laugh
and laugh as we try to catch them, or try to find them, or
try to bounce them on our backs, letting them direct the play
more often than we do. These kinds of play require more creativity
than tickling, but are more rewarding. They allow us to tumble
around together or to burrow our heads into them for a second
here and there. We offer and receive closeness and affection
without overwhelming our children. And we give them a chance
to be inventive as they figure out 100 ways to play with us.
But my child asks to be tickled!
When tickling has been one of the main options for being
playfully close in a family, or is the only way an adult can
think of to touch a child, then some children will ask to
be tickled. Their need to be close and to have your smiles
and your enjoyment beaming toward them is stronger than their
fear of being tickled or their desire to avoid discomfort
or separateness. So they want it.
Children will have healthier relationships if ticklers look
for ways to transition out of tickling and into other forms
of physical play. One way to make that transition is to pretend
to tickle when tickling is requested. Wiggle your fingers
close to your child's tummy or sides, and make your usual
playful threats, but keep your hands an inch or two away from
her body, letting her laugh and laugh without taking the chance
of trapping her. If your child tickles you in return, it's
your "job" to playfully writhe and try to get away--she's
making you the victim in a role-reversal that reflects what
may be her tensions around tickling. It's not fair, but while
you are playing she gets to really tickle, and you don't!
Playful affection is healthy when guided by the child
Our children do need us to be affectionate with them, and
to be playfully persistent with our affection at times. It's
one way to communicate that we love them. When you offer playful
affection to your child, let the play "breathe"
after each affectionate move. You nibble your child's toes,
and then let go and see what response he has. If he gets up
and runs away, you can lumber after him on hands and knees,
trying for a long time before you finally nibble a toe again,
with lots of laughter in the chase. Or you bury your head
in her tummy, then pull back and grin as she decides what
she wants to do. If she laughs and lies there, after a few
seconds you can try it again. (It is good to try to playfully
inform a child about what to expect, "Oh, that tummy
is just too soft a pillow--I love that pillow!"
before burrowing.)
If you child says, "Don't do that!" then you need
to find a way to give him more power in the situation. You
could try to kiss his toe, but "miss," and kiss
the blanket or floor, in mock surprise. Your child will laugh,
remain in charge, and you still get to express your affection
for him. Children love us to come close, to enjoy them, and
to be playful. We simply need to be creative in order to keep
from being overbearing.
Thoughtfulness about play with our children doesn't mean
having to be extremely careful. It does mean putting in just
a few guidelines for ourselves, to even out the power balance
between us and our children. When we phase out tickling, we're
able to phase in play that our children will help invent,
play that works better to expand their sense of being loved
and thought about.
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