"I feel badly about this, but
sometimes I hesitate to really get down and play with
my daughter, because when I have to stop playing and
tend to the baby, she gets so upset. How can I keep
from hurting her feelings?" — a mother of
a baby and a 4 year old
It’s healthy and often necessary for parents
to say, "OK, now I need to fix dinner, so I need
to stop playing with you now." We have many tasks
to juggle, and we often have to stop playing with our
children, end their play with each other, or move them
toward a new activity before they're ready to make a
change. Some children are able to be pretty flexible
with these transitions, and other children protest every
single change that is directed by their parents. Wherever
your child is on this continuum right now, there are
a few ideas that may help you navigate these transitions.
Children Thrive on Fun and Connection
Our children clearly thrive on the moments we are
"just with them," and moments when
their play is just the way they want it. I like to remind
parents that when children say "I don't want to
stop," that this is good! It's great that
your child is passionate about playing with you, or
having things just the way he wants them. It is healthy
for him to never want the fun to stop! He will
likely have enough humdrum experiences later in his
life--now is the time for as much sparkle and connection
as possible. Having fun helps keep children eager to
learn and make good friends.
Children Benefit from Information
When you need to change what's happening, it's important
to talk with your child about it. It's never too early
in a child's life to begin letting them know what's
next. "In a couple of minutes, I'm going to start
your bath, because it's getting close to bedtime"
is information that is as helpful to a 3-month old as
it is to a 5 year old. Getting into the habit of offering
information to a very young child helps build a trusting
relationship in which he wants to hear what you have
to say. When children protest at transition time, they
are often telling you that they feel disregarded. Consistently
giving information to children, together with a little
time to help the information sink in, helps prevent
some of the balking and power struggles that develop
around transitions.
Children Flourish with a Tone of Optimism
A tone that carries friendliness, optimism and the
understanding that there will be good times ahead makes
it more likely that a transition will go well. Although
no parent can pull this off all the time, having a tone
of optimism can help children feel close enough to their
parent to cooperate with a necessary transition, even
if it wasn't their idea.
Instead of Orders, Offer Warmth
"Lunchtime, get in here right now, you two!"
doesn't make a child want to come anywhere near his
parent! "You two are having such a good time! Lunch
is on the table, and after you eat, you can go back
and play some more!" carries the kind of warmth
that orders simply can't communicate. Children gravitate
toward the warmth of their parents, and will more easily
gravitate toward you when you can think to welcome them
to the next activity.
Sometimes, Your Child Needs To Protest
The untold story about transitions is that, as trying
as it is for parents, children sometimes need
to protest. They need to tell you how disappointed
they feel. Getting upset helps children address and
release their unhappy feelings, so that the feelings
don't muddle their mood for the rest of the day. Children’s
protests are often messy and inconvenient, and they
almost always come at difficult times for the parent.
But they are worth listening to, because listening conveys
the respect and warmth the child needs in order to connect
with their parent again.
You don't need to change an expectation you have
set, just because your child is protesting. What
will help him is to have you understand how he
feels, and listen to the feelings as they roll
out. Often, transition time becomes tantrum time or
crying time—the child is looking for an outlet
for his built-up disappointments and frustrations.
Your Child's Protests Will Give You Insights
Allowing a protest to roll into tears or tantrums will
give you good insights into your child’s sense
of his world. “It’s not fair! You always
make me stop playing when I am having fun,” or
“But I never get to play with Jenny--she likes
Tony better than me.” are expressions of his hurt
that your child wants you to understand. As his
protest continues, you can listen, and at some point
gently say something like, "I know I've stopped
you three times already today. I'm sorry I have to stop
you again," or, "I think Jenny will be glad
to play with you tomorrow. You're one of her good friends."
These reassurances won't stop his protest, which is
necessary if he is to expel his bad feelings. He can’t
absorb them while he’s upset. But your reassurances
do communicate your understanding and your caring, and
when his cry or tantrum is over, the loving things you’ve
said will finally reach his heart.
Children Rebound After a Good Cry
One of the things grownups love about young children
is that children expect every day to be fun, interesting,
and full of goodness for them. These high expectations
are part of children's genius. High expectations are
also why their tantrums and other upsets are inevitable!
A good tantrum or a good cry allows a child to express
his disappointment fully. When your child is done crying,
he has no hard feelings. It's actually quite remarkable
to see how fully a child rebounds after a good tantrum
or cry. Although he didn't get what he said he wanted,
he feels better, because your thoughtful attention and
understanding filled his most basic needs.
Listening Rebuilds the Connection
If you can listen while your child expresses his whole
upset, your listening will connect the two of you and
help him feel loved. While he's crying, hold him and
touch him gently, or stay close to him while a tantrum
works its way through his system. You can gently remind
him of the limit you're setting, "I love you and
I am going to go fix dinner now." If it's
possible, start the transition process before you actually
have to accomplish it, so you have time to offer your
caring while your child is showing you how much he loves
what he was doing, and how disappointed he feels to
have to give it up.
Transitions are a real part of everyday life for all
of us. We parents are taught to think that a child who
is crying or having a tantrum is a child whose parents
are not being thoughtful or are doing something wrong.
But if it's a transition that started the crying, your
child is telling you important things about how he feels.
He's got his heart wide open. You'll help him become
a deeply empathetic person if you offer your love and
your listening at these transition times that are so
difficult for him.
Parents Need Resource for Themselves
If you find yourself short of patience with your children
during transitions time and time again, it will probably
be useful to find a listener with whom you can exchange
the courtesy of listening for half an hour or so. The
stresses on parents are many, and when they start showing
up over and over again, a parent doesn't have to wait
for random good thing to happen to lift his spirits.
Talking and sharing feelings with a good listener who
will try to understand and care (rather than issue advice
or judgment) makes a surprising difference in parents'
stress levels and their ability to find good next steps
to take to improve the situation.
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