Many toddlers go through a period
of months during which they bite. They bite their mommies
and daddies, or they bite other children, causing concern
and sometimes quite a bit of emotional charge. The parents
of children who are bitten become fierce defenders,
and their "I've got to protect my child" response
can easily feel like, "Your child is bad, and I
won't let my child play with yours any more." A
commonplace difficulty experienced by many good children
can thus set off big emotional waves that parents didn't
expect.
Most infants experiment with biting
Every infant experiments with biting. Babies bite their
teething toys, their mommy's breast, or the fingers
or shoulders of their parents. Usually, the parent's
immediate flinch or cry of surprise communicates to
the child that biting hurts, and after a few experiments,
the child has learned enough about biting to move on.
The experiments cease. There's nothing bad or wrong
with these biting experiments: the baby is doing what
he or she must do to learn.
It helps the learning process if the adult responds
with an "Ouch! Please don't bite me," but
doesn't blame, punish, or lecture the baby. A baby needs
to experiment in order to learn, so a few painful moments
will be necessary before the learning process has taken
its course. Parents must guard their own safety with
an infant who is exploring biting. For instance, it
doesn't make sense to put your finger in the mouth of
a baby who is experimenting with biting.
Seldom is a bite from a toddler an experiment. Most
toddlers already know that biting hurts the other person.
You might think, "Well, if he it hurts, why does
he decide to do it?" In my view, toddlers don't
decide to bite. They are generous beings at heart, and
they don't want to hurt anyone. A toddler bites because
a big wave of feelings have overcome him in an instant.
He didn't plan it, and he didn't know how to stop it.
It's like a sneeze or a cough--the body does it for
internal and not easily controllable reasons.
Toddlers bite when they feel afraid or frustrated
One of the times toddlers will bite is when they are
feeling afraid or frustrated, but they haven't found
anyone who will listen. Toddlers need many chances every
day to express their frustrations, fears, and other
upsets. They want to be close to Mommy and Daddy, but
mommies and daddies have to work, shop, fix meals, talk
on the phone, and take care of other children. Little
disappointments and lonely moments collect. Toddlers
are quite small and vulnerable, and when they aren't
able to stay closely connected to their parents and
their caregivers, it creates a real emergency in their
emotional lives. A day's ordinary events can easily
leave a toddler feeling upset and alone, though nothing
an adult would consider difficult has happened.
For instance, if a parent is gone for a night on business,
a toddler doesn't understand her absence. He feels afraid
and tries to cry, hoping to heal his fears and sadness
in the arms of someone who loves him and will listen.
But the well-meaning caregiver believes that the toddler
will feel better if he doesn't cry, and gives him a
bottle or puts him to sleep. The next day in child care,
he bites a child nearby. He tried to have a healthy
cry about his missing parent, but couldn't. So the feelings
he stuffed away jump out in the form of biting. He doesn't
know why, and he didn't choose to bite. He was simply
too full of tension to function well.
Toddlers' feelings can arise from current or past
events
The tensions that drive toddlers to bite can arise
from things that have recently happened. The birth of
a sibling, the absence of a parent, witnessing violence
on TV, a change in caregivers, or moving from one apartment
to another are the kinds of things that can be associated
with a child biting. The fact that a toddler has feelings
that are being expressed in biting isn't the fault of
the parent, or of the toddler. It's simply one of the
common challenges that nurturers of children need to
handle. Biting is like a runny nose: it's common, it's
not fun for the child or the parents, and it can affect
other children adversely. We grownups can learn to help
the child move beyond biting, and can protect his friends.
Biting may also be driven by feelings from events at
the beginning of a child's life. I have known several
toddlers who would sometimes bite or lash out at other
children. Usually, these bites or hits would happen
when the children were sitting or playing together in
close quarters. When the parents and I began to try
to figure out what tensions might be operating, we noticed
that each of these children had experienced a difficult
birth. Each had been born after a long labor or after
being stuck in the birth canal for some time. We guessed
(with young children, guessing is the best one can do)
that being at close quarters might be stirring up stored
feelings of panic. The child might be biting because
of unmanageable fears left over from having been trapped
and unable to fend for himself.
Toddlers may also bite out of frustration. To be a
toddler is to see a vast number of interesting things
people do and to think, "I want to do THAT!"
The toddler doesn't know that he doesn't yet have the
power or coordination to fully succeed. It is a hopeful
and at the same time frustrating time of life. When
a toddler's tantrums--the natural, healthy, and tension-relieving
response to frustration--aren't allowed, a child's frustration
can build until he can't stand to be close to other
children. He bites or lashes out, because the buildup
of frustration inside him has had no permissible outlet.
You don't need to know the reason a child is biting
Guessing why a child bites can be helpful in predicting
when this behavior will arise, so that you can be close
at hand to intervene to help the child and protect other
children. But to heal the tensions that cause biting,
you don't need to know the reasons behind a child's
behavior. Whether you have thought of a likely cause
or not, your helpful actions will be the same.
Helping a child release tensions in productive ways
Biting isn't a release of tension. A child usually
feels much worse after he's bitten someone than he did
before, adding to his load of upset. When your child
has bitten someone, he needs you to get close and tell
him gently that you're sorry you didn't see that he
needed your help. Then, move so that you can look into
his eyes, and ask him if there's something the matter.
You won't usually get words of explanation. It's your
question, and your interest in his feelings that matters.
Before he bit, he lost his sense that he was connected
to anyone. Your willingness to connect will help him
show you the upset feelings he carries. Most likely,
he won't be able to look at you, and will act like he
doesn't want to connect. He may begin to writhe and
squirm. If you keep gently trying to make eye contact,
and telling him you want to be with him right now, a
child will often be able to move into releasing feelings
through crying or a tantrum, as soon as you've spent
a couple of moments trying to connect.
The tensions that cause biting will release in crying,
tantrums, perspiration, and sometimes trembling while
crying and struggling. This expression of upset heals
the tensions. If you can stay close, keep listening,
tell him you care, and allow him time, he will heal
those tensions with great vigor and passion. When he's
done, he will be far less likely to bite. Another layer
of similar tensions may roll in after some time, but
your child will show you that he's relaxing, and feeling
much closer to you. After several good cries, the biting
behavior will cease, because you've helped him clear
away the stockpile of upset that caused it.
Strategies that lead your child away from biting
You don't need to wait until another bite occurs to
try to help a child. There are strategies that are proactive
and begin having a good effect quickly. They are Special
Time and Staylistening.
Strategy one: Special Time
The first step to helping a child who has begun to
bite is to strengthen his ability to feel your attention
and love. Special Time is an ideal tool for
this step. You set a length of time aside for just
your child alone. Let him know that it's Special
Time, and how long it will last, and then get
close, offer warmth, eye contact, and enthusiasm,
and play the way your child wants to play. If he's
playing in a manner that excludes you, move in and
offer gentle touch and more eye contact. If he finds
a way to laugh with you (without you tickling him),
try to keep the laughter going, because laughter releases
tension, too. When the time is over, let him know
you loved playing with him, and that there will be
another Special Time soon.
Special Time, done daily or as many times
in a week as possible, will encourage a child to show
you his feelings as they arise. He may start crying
again when you leave, or have a tantrum instead of
sulking when he doesn't get an extra cookie he's asked
for. This is progress, although conventional wisdom
might interpret it as "regression." Special
Time has warmed up the relationship so that the
child hopes you'll fold him in your arms and say sweetly,
"I’m sorry you feel so upset."
Strategy two: Staylistening
Children who have begun to bite are usually trying
to signal their parents and caregivers that they have
big feelings that need to be heard. These feelings
wrap around small excuses such as not wanting to get
into the car seat, not wanting to undress for a bath,
or not being able to give up playing in order to go
to day care. They begin to cry or tantrum, but parents
have been taught to stop the outburst. The child wants
and needs someone to lovingly listen while he releases
his upsets through crying or tantrums.
Staylistening gives the child this chance.
When the parent notices that feelings are about to
erupt, he moves close, drops other expectations for
a time, and listens with warmth. Children know exactly
how to unload tension. Parents and caregivers have
the opportunity to revamp their responses, so that
crying and tantrums can do the effective but time-consuming
job of dissolving the feelings that are the root cause
of difficult behavior.
As parents, we need to train ourselves to think,
"Oh, good, a tantrum. He trusts me, and he's
had quite a day!" or "Ahhh. She's going
to cry for awhile now. It'll be nice to take some
time to connect with her--I've been rushing all day
long."
Used consistently, Special Time and Staylistening
will undo the tensions that have caused a child to bite.
It may take awhile--toddlers usually have a good number
of tensions stored away by the time they begin to show
their upsets with biting. But you will see them begin
to relax, to play more freely, and to show you more
of the emotional storms they need to have to be cheerful
and relaxed again.
Toddlers may also bite when you are especially sweet
and close
Sometimes, a parent will be snuggling and playing up
close with their delighted toddler, when their child
will bite them out of the blue. It's a shock, and feels
like an insult! After it happens several times, parents
become wary of playing at close range. They can't understand
why their own child bites them during the sweetest of
playtimes.
The chance to snuggle and laugh and have a parent beam
at them delightedly is deeply reassuring to a child.
He absorbs as much of the parent's love and delight
as he can. And when his little cup is running over with
connection and pleasure, any knot of fear he hasn't
been able to address can grab him, and signal its presence
by driving him to bite.
A bite in the middle of warm, close play means, "I'm
ready to tell you some big feelings, but they come in
a rush, so I need you to help me get to them."
Often, it's children who have stored some fears away
because of early physical challenges, traumas, or a
difficult birth who signal that they need help with
their fears by biting during close play.
When you have been bitten, it's smart to react with
as little fluster as possible. Hold your child close,
and say something like, "Honey, I can't let you
bite me. Tell me what's on your mind." Offer eye
contact, and stay very close. The feel of your attention
and your willingness to listen will help your child
progress from biting but having no feelings about it
(fears make most people, big and small, numb to their
feelings) to feeling upset, panicked, or frustrated.
Stay close and supportive: your attention helps the
child focus on the feelings he needs to express and
heal. Your attention is the balm that, when he's finished,
he will fold deeply into his heart.
Helping a child balance safely "on the edge"
of biting
Once your child has bitten you in the midst of close
sweet play, be on the lookout for him to lunge for you
again the next time you play with warmth and closeness.
Tensions are shown to parents again and again, if they
haven't been released. If you can gently parry the thrust
of a child who is ready to bite by putting your hand
on his forehead, you'll be able to keep yourself safe
and let him notice the feelings he has. Gently hold
him close, inches away from the bite he "wants"
to take, and tell him something like, "I'm not
going to let you chomp on me, sweetheart." Held
safe and close like that, with your support and attention,
a child can either laugh hard and release tension safely
that way, or begin to cry hard because you won't let
him bite. He will be able to feel the fear that makes
him try to "get" someone. It's another way
to begin the "session"--the period of crying,
laughter, or tantrums that releases the feelings beneath
unworkable behavior.
The child is not at fault
In no case does it help a child who bites to be shamed,
blamed, or punished. He can't help that his feelings
are packed in so tightly that biting occurs. He has
tried to cry, and tried to tantrum, but hasn't yet had
the success he's needed to relieve those persistent
tensions. You can help, whether you're a parent, a caregiver,
a grandparent, or a friend. Any thoughtful person is
a good person to listen to a child's feelings. And every
child will move away from biting, as soon as the feelings
inside allow him to relax and feel safe.
For an anecdote on helping a toddler with biting,
click
here.
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