We are proud to have Magdalena Cabrera, Adriana Castillo, Pedro Castillo, Silvia Ceja, Martín Lamarque, Alma Mendosa, Robin Parker Meredith, and Griselda Peneda join Hand in Hand join our leadership team.

In February and March, Hand in Hand will begin work with foster parents and relatives raising children of their kin with the Center for the Vulnerable Child in Oakland and the KinStart Program on the Peninsula. We hope to learn new things and serve these hardworking parents well.

We live in a society that has a demanding and judgmental attitude toward parents and young children. Often, the attitude toward children in public is that they should be seen and not heard, that the parent should be “in control” of the child’s behavior, and that children who are having an upset in public are a nuisance. In short, children are not really welcome. Their freshness, curiosity, and frank expressions of feelings may not be seen as a gift.

In addition, the childrearing tradition that has been handed down to most of us sets parents against their children when the children's behavior isn’t convenient for adults. In the eyes of others, we are expected to criticize, grow cold, use harsh words and gestures, punish, isolate, shame, threaten, or physically attack a child who is “misbehaving.” No parent really wants to act like an adversary to the child they love. We treat our beloved children in these ways when we can’t think of anything else to do, or when we fear the disapproval of others.

There are certain situations in which young children often become emotionally charged. These situations include:

• Being with several people:
  With the whole family at dinner, at a family gathering, a meeting, a birthday party, the grocery store, church, or temple.
  
• Moving from one activity to another:
  Leaving home for day care, leaving day care for home, stopping play for dinner, going to bed.
  
• Being with a parent who is under stress:
  Every parent can supply examples!
  
• At the end of any especially close or fun-filled time:
  After a trip to the park, after a good friend leaves, after romping, chasing and laughing with Mom or Dad.

When children become emotionally charged, they can’t think. They simply can’t function thoughtfully. They become rigidly and unreasonably attached to what they want, and are unsatisfied with most attempts to make them happy. They can’t listen, and the slightest thing brings them to tears or tantrums. Their minds are full of upset, and they can’t get out of that state without help from their parent or another kind adult.

The help a child needs at this time is to have someone set kind, sensible limits, and then for that person to listen while he bursts out with the intense feelings he has. This spilling of feelings, together with the kind attention and patience of the parent or friend, is the most effective way to speed your child’s return to his sensible, loving self. A good, vigorous tantrum, or a hearty, deeply felt cry will clear your child’s mind of the emotion that was driving him “off track” and will enable him to relax again and make the best of the situation he is in.

How are we parents supposed to listen to a screaming, flailing child in the middle of the supermarket?

Several adjustments of our expectations are necessary before parents are prepared to be on their children’s side as they have an upset in a public place.

• We need to remember that every good child gets upset, and often this happens in public places. This may be because all the preparation for getting a child to a public place--dressing and feeding at least two people, putting together the needed supplies, and making the trip has created an "emotional emergency." The parent the child depends upon for attention and closeness has been preoccupied and distant for the past hour or so, and has been making all the decisions about what the child does. The child feels an alarming distance from the busy parent, although they are physically together. That distance causes the feelings of upset that burst out suddenly in public.
  
• We need to remember that our society has trained people to disapprove of children doing what is healthy and natural. People disapprove of horseplay, of noise, of exuberance, of too much laughter, of tantrums, of crying, of children asking for the attention they need.
  
• We need to decide that, as parents, it’s our job to treat our child well. Although other adults may criticize him, it makes sense to do what we can to be on our child’s side. We don't have to permit off track behavior, but we don't have to be harsh with a child when we stop them from pursuing such behavior.
  
• We need to realize that being parents means that we will have to advocate for our children in many settings: with doctors and nurses, with teaches, with relatives, and with strangers.
  
• Finally, we need to acknowledge that children legitimately need far more attention than it is comfortable to give. Adults who got little attention themselves as children are the ones who will most likely be upset when they see you giving undivided attention to your child. Parents can expect these upsets, but don’t have to be governed by them.

OK, but what do I do when my child falls apart in the supermarket aisle, or at the grandparents’ house?

• Spend one-on-one time with your child before you take him to a public place, so that you and he are connected with each other before heading into a challenging situation. Then, stay connected. Use eye contact, touch, your voice, and brief touches of your attention to stay with your child. This contact is deeply reassuring, and can sometimes defuse situations that your child often finds difficult.
  
• When you see an upset beginning, immediately make real contact. See if you can find a way to play, so that your child can laugh. Laughter relieves children’s tensions, and allows them to feel more and more connected. If, when you make contact, your child begins to cry or tantrum, do what you can to allow him to continue. His upset will heal if the feelings are allowed to drain.
  
• Slow down the action, and listen. If getting into the car seat has triggered tears, then stay there, seat belt not yet done, and let the tears flow. Listen until he is done. Because of this cry, your whole day, and his, will improve.
  
• If necessary, move to a more socially acceptable place. Go to the back bedroom, or move your grocery cart out the exit to the sidewalk. Do this as calmly as you can. Your child isn’t doing anything wrong. It’s sort of like a car alarm going off accidentally—loud, but not harmful to anyone. These things happen!
  
• Plan what you will say to people who express their opinions or concern. It’s hard to come up with a comment that says, “We’re OK—don’t worry!” in the middle of your child's most expressive moments, so think ahead. You can adopt some phrase like, “We seem to be having technical difficulties,” or, “My daughter really knows how to let it rip!” or, “It’s that kind of a day!” or, “After he’s finished, it’s my turn!” or simply, “We’re OK. I don’t think this will last all day.” A comment like this reassures others, and gives the message that you are in charge.

As one parent I know put it, “I’ve finally figured out that it’s my job to set a limit when he’s going “nuts,” and it’s his job to get the bad feelings out. As I listen to him, people might not be able to tell that I’m doing my job and he’s doing his, but at least I know that’s what’s going on.”

"When my son started preschool, getting used to the new routine was hard for us all. We were all used to our pretty laid back mornings where my son would sleep until he woke up on his own. When he did wake up, we would hang out in pajamas and play for a while and not worry about breakfast until he said he was hungry or get dressed until we were ready to go out."

"Of course preschool changed all this! Now I was giving orders all morning: Time to get up, eat your breakfast, we need to get dressed, and worst of all, “We don’t have time to play, we have to go!” All this happened even though I’m actually pretty relaxed about having to be at school “on time.” As I said to a friend, there are no tardy bells in preschool!"

"My son didn’t like this scenario at all either. He became frustrated easily and I listened to may tantrums around trivial issues like the shoes he wanted to wear, or whether I put milk on his cereal (or not!). I understood that it was good to listen to his feelings, and was OK about doing that (most of the time). But I was still feeling like a drill sergeant, and I could tell that my son was left feeling like he never got to do what he wanted to do in the mornings. It was a lousy way to start the day for us all!"

"After reading a success story in which the parent did Special Time for 5 minutes every night, it occurred to me that we might try Special Time in the mornings. We already do Special Time with him several times each week, but usually in longer chunks. It hadn’t occurred to me that such a small amount of time would be useful, but it certainly seemed worth a try."

"When we introduced Special Time into our mornings, I made a chart with pictures of all the things we have to do in the morning, including Special Time. As I was making the chart, I thought about where to put Special Time in our morning routine. The temptation was to put it after all the “business” had been taken care of, but I realized that in order to build a good current connection with my son, it would be best if Special Time was first thing we did."

"The changes have been tremendous. Where before just getting out of bed was sometimes a struggle, now when he wakes up (even if he has to be gently woken) he hops up and says, “Let’s do Special Time!” Our struggles over getting dressed and ready to go are significantly diminished. Now when I need to get him moving, I can just ask him to look at the list and tell me what we need to do next. Now I don’t have to be the nag, I get to be the assistant who helps him get dressed, brush teeth, etc. when HE tells me it’s time. We still have days where getting out the door is a struggle- but things are much smoother. Taking just 5 minutes to make sure that things go his way first thing in the morning starts us out on a note of connection and cooperation."

— a mother in Arlington, VA