Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD., author of Playful Parenting, will be giving a talk in Palo Alto on May 20th . We encourage you to attend. His approach to parents and children is totally congruent with Parenting by Connection, and he'll offer warmth, a personal understanding of the challenges of parenting, and a wealth of ideas on using play to enrich our relationships with our children.

Tantrum Training in English and Spanish! We're offering our wonderful Tantrum Training courses--three weeks during which you can gain new and effective tools for handling your child's emotions--in English in Palo Alto, and in Spanish in Santa Cruz. They're designed for parents of toddlers, but parents of preschool-age children will also find them helpful.

Last month, we looked at the "I'll be with you while you wait" policy that we think helps children when they find themselves in competition for toys or attention. If you missed that article, you can find it here .

Now, we'll turn to the subject of how you can help a child who tends to take toys away from others, and how to help a child who tends to have things taken away, and can't stand up for himself.  (Ideas on what to do when you come upon a dispute in full swing are found toward the end of the Sibling Solutions article .

Why children tend to grab

Many children become at somewhat tense when they are in close proximity to others. The number of little friendship glitches a child has experienced increases over time, and if he hasn't had anyone listen to him cry until the upset with the other child is gone, a chunk of "needing to cry about it" still sits inside him. Managing these stored upset feelings requires a good deal of a child's flexibility and attention. The more stored tension a child is trying to manage, the more tightly wound he becomes when he's around other children. So he may tend to grab things and fight for things. When he gets what he wants, he may tend to hang on tightly and defensively, spoiling his interactions with others and limiting his own play with his desired toy.

Most adults assume that a child who grabs is expressing his personality, or is in the grip of a habit. The child is labeled "impulsive," "aggressive," "strong-willed," "selfish," or worse. But a child who tends to grab can become sweet, thoughtful and generous, once the tension he carries is relieved. In other words, what looks like a personality trait or a strong habit is actually just a symptom of tension that is waiting to be relieved. A child is not at fault for his tendency to grab, and neither is his parent. The tension he has stored inside of him is the real culprit.

You can help a child who tends to grab.

When you know that a child has a tendency to grab, you don't have to wait for the blowup between him and another child before you step in to help. In fact, waiting until the problem has exploded has the disadvantage of allowing a tense child to further erode his relationships with other children.

Here are the steps you can take to help a child with the tension that governs his behavior.

• Stop wondering whether he will grab today. He will. If you know he grabs, it is your job to get there first, so he can't take something from another child. Get close in a warm and friendly way, and stay close . Pay full attention to him in his interactions with others. Move with him as he plays, so you're always within an arm's reach of him.
  
  
• When he reaches out to grab something from another child, move in and stop his hand before he can grab it. Talk to your child as warmly as you can. Say something like, "That's Suzanne's right now. She'll be finished with it in awhile," as warmly as you can. Offer eye contact, and keep trying to make eye contact. Remember that your child, or your child's friend, is a good child.
  
  
• If the child is able to make relaxed eye contact with you, and can decide to move on to something else to play with, he's actually in good shape at the moment, and you can continue to stay close in case the tension you usually see surfaces later.
  
  
• If the child squirms, runs away, protests, or starts a tantrum, stay and continue to reassure him that it will be his turn eventually, and that you'll help him wait. He'll use the limit you've kindly set, and the attention you offer him, to offload frustration or sadness or fear. Perhaps he misses his Mommy or Daddy. Perhaps he doesn't feel sure that he'll see his Daddy tonight. Perhaps he feels he doesn't know how to make friends. There are an infinite number of underlying feelings that could be causing his inability to be thoughtful of other children.
  

Listen well while he cries or tantrums--he will express what the underlying feelings are. You may hear "I never get what I want," "I want to go home," or, "I don't like Johnny." None of these feelings are "wrong." As you listen, you help your child to undo the power these feelings have over his behavior. You can show that you're an advocate for him by saying, "I'll help you get what you want, we just need to wait awhile."

• Listen as long as you can . After a hearty, long cry or tantrum, you will see a marked change in his ability to be flexible in play. His tensions have dissolved, and he's able to make choices that more nearly reflect his desire to be friends and play cooperatively. If he wasn't able to do more than a couple of minutes of crying, he may look miserable and keep trying to find reasons to initiate the crying or tantrums again. He wants to finish the job he started, with the support and understanding of a thoughtful adult!

You can help a child who goes passive when someone takes his things.

A child who goes passive when someone takes his things carries tensions, too, but the effect on his behavior is quite the opposite. He is afraid, but his fear makes him go passive instead of active. Sometimes, the same kinds of hurts lie behind a passive child's behavior as behind the behavior of an impulsive child. We don't really know why one child lands in the passive role, and another is tied into the aggressive role. Fortunately, the reasons don't matter much. The solutions don't depend upon that knowledge. Children instinctively know how to offload tension, and we adults simply need to support them as they do it.

When something is taken from a child with passive tendencies, he may signal his upset right away by whining or beginning to cry. Most adults will at that point try to mediate the difficulty--they'll scold the child who grabbed, or demand that the whining stop, or tell the children to "use their words." These interventions are common and understandable, but they are only cosmetic. They may make things look better on the surface, but they're not especially helpful in relaxing an impulsive child or empowering a child who wilts.

Some children feel so helpless, they can't even begin to whine or cry. When something is taken away, they simply look sad, and show no ability to protest. Adults will often miss the fact that there is a difficulty here, and be glad for the lack of upset. If you wonder whether a child is quietly upset but can't imagine standing up for himself, you can move in close and ask, "Did you want that?" or "Do you wish you could have a turn? I'll help you if you want to." This will give him the reassurance he needs to trust that he might actually get help where he needs it.

To resolve the difficulty, take a long-term approach.

If you have a child who easily becomes trapped in feeling helpless, no single intervention will change all of the internal feelings that weigh so heavily when he is challenged. What will work is a policy of encouragement, combined with listening.

Here are the steps you can take that will lead to a child's increased ability to take charge, say what he wants and needs, and hold his own with other children in play.

• When you can, prevent the child who tries to grab from taking the toy . Don't grab it yourself, as models grabbing and impulsive behavior. Simply put your hand on the toy, so it can't be pulled away. Tell the child who wants it, "You can play with this when Maria is through with it." This will probably allow him to begin crying and start releasing the tensions that are plaguing him.
  
  
• If the impulsive child is still pulling, continue to hold the item, and encourage the more passive child to hold on too . You won't allow the toy to be grabbed away from the passive child. The reassurance that he has permission to assert his hold on the item will often help a child move out of the passivity that leaves him acting helpless. He gets to use his power, and he may cry while he tugs at the toy. It's your job to keep his efforts from turning into a grab-and-run. This way, no fresh incident of grabbing results from your intervention.
  
  
• Listen to both children until there is a natural resolution that evolves. Both children need the chance to work on their feelings. One needs to work on his feelings of urgency, and the other needs encouragement to try hard for what he wants. You keep things safe for both, so neither can insult the other or "win" in the contest of wills. With your listening, the children will get to a point where they can work out a solution. Emotional healing gets done, instead of relationship damage.
  
  
• With repeated encouragement to take charge, and repeated chances to cry about not feeling powerful, a child will make definite and visible gains in his sense of his power. Eventually, he won't need your coaching --he'll know what to do, because his mind has been cleared of the confusion caused by earlier experiences that felt frightened or overwhelmed him.

You can increase your own flexibility when sharing difficulties arise.

Most adults are impulsive and many are harsh when they handle sharing difficulties between children. The Parenting by Connection approach outlined above is highly effective, but it requires both time and presence of mind, two things often in short supply for busy, overburdened parents! Without some way to renew your inner resources, it won't be easy to help your children and their friends over the bumps in their relationships.

We strongly recommend starting a Listening Partnership with another parent, so that your needs for thinking time and stress release are met on a regular basis. All it takes is the courage to ask another parent whether he or she would be willing to exchange listening time. No equipment is needed. There's no fee to pay. The time and place is of your choosing--we recommend a quiet room separate from the hubbub of the household. It's surprising how much stress a half-hour of listening can address! And it's interesting to come in contact with the superb workings of your own mind, which will lead you toward just the right things to talk about, even if you have no idea ahead of time what those are.

For more information on how to do this, see our booklet, Listening Partnerships for Parents .

Learning to help children who are impulsive and children who wilt easily will give you power and experience in helping young people in ways you hadn't imagined you could. Invest in listening and being listened to, so that you can evaluate your experiences and move steadily forward as a nurturer and a parent.

I've got a friend I work with who has a little toddler. He came to me the other day, and he said, "You know, little Ronnie is driving me absolutely crazy. He whines and whines and I just go up the wall. Sometimes I have to leave the room, 'cause I don't want to hurt him and I'm going nuts. I just leave him alone when he does that." My friend went on and on for a long time about how his son whined and how hard it was on him.

I just listened to him. He was really wound up. I listened a long time. I told him what a good father he is, and that I could see how much he really cares about Ronnie and thinks about him. I told him I really respect him as a father. I do. He's a great dad.

Then, I said, "You know, what I've figured out is that when Mike whines, he has something to say to me and he can't quite say it. He's either got something that he's hurt or scared about, or he's going through a developmental stage, and he can't quite do what he wants to do yet, and it's bugging him. I found that if I really listen to him, he'll find a way to tell me what the trouble is." That's all I said.

Today my friend came up to me. He was really happy. He said, "You know, you were right! If you listen, they tell you! Ronnie started whining again a few nights ago, and I went over to him and I said, 'Ronnie, I'm sorry that I haven't been listening to you. You've been trying to tell me something, and I wasn't listening very well. But now I can. What is it you want to tell me? What's making you unhappy?'"

I was thinking to myself, "Oh, no! You don't talk that way to a little toddler! He got it all wrong!" but actually, my friend was right.

He said, "After I said this I just kept looking at little Ronnie and he said, 'Yeah, Daddy,' and he gave me a good push on the shoulder. I fell down, and we started wrestling. He laughed and we had a great time, wrestling all over the house for, I don't know, an hour. Then he started running into the room and throwing up his hands, going 'Ooooh! Daddy scary!' and laughing and running away, then he'd find his mom and go 'Ohhh, Mommy scary!' and laugh and scream and run away from her. We were all over the place."

"And you know what? We had been having a lot of trouble potty training him, and after that night, he's been doing it perfectly! He really was working on something!"

It was amazing to see what a change the listening I did, and the small bit of information I offered, brought about. I felt so good to be able to help!

a dad in Redwood City, CA