Connecting! Parents Leadership Institute's E-Mail
Newsletter
Volume 4, Number 7 -- December 15, 2004
Parents Leadership Institute is a non-profit
organization that fosters healthy parent-child relationships that
will last a lifetime. We give parents simple, concrete tools to
build and rebuild a close relationship with their children, and
to lead their families well. We promote parent-to-parent support
founded on mutual respect, listening, and the desire of parents
to love their children well. Please visit our web
site for more information.
Hand in Hand has begun a new membership program. Join us, and receive a quarterly printed newsletter with substantive articles about parenting and connected family building. The first printed issue of Connecting! is now available. Sign up for a year's subscription!
Basic Membership begins at $25. Your membership and any additional donation you make will help us to reach a diverse group of families and to build the effectiveness of our programs.
You are important to us and we would love to have you join us as a member of the Hand in Hand family. Your contributions are tax deductible under IRS guidelines, and your generosity is appreciated.
Hand in Hand Awarded Planning Grant
Hand in Hand has been granted $35,000 by First 5 San Mateo County to plan and write a curriculum designed to reduce the harsh treatment of children five and under in San Mateo County by bringing Parenting by Connection to parents and family day care providers. We're proud and excited to begin this project!
PlayMornings
Palo Alto January 8th, Santa Cruz in March
Bring your child to a Hand in Hand PlayMorning, and enjoy the chance to do Special Time and have your child build play relationships with other caring adults. You'll be listened to and coached in Listening Tools. Children remember the fun and freedom they have at these mornings for a long time! There's a PlayMorning in Palo Alto on Saturday January 8th, and one in Santa Cruz in early March (watch our events calendar). Space is limited, so sign up now!
Tantrum Training
Mill Valley (January), Palo Alto (February), Berkeley (March and April)
We're offering our wonderful Tantrum Training course--three weeks during which you can gain new and effective tools for handling your child's emotions--in Mill Valley, Palo Alto, and Berkeley. The course is designed for parents of toddlers, but parents of preschool-age children, child care workers, agency professionals and grandparents will also find it helpful. Many parents have told us, "This is the best parenting class I've ever taken!" See our Events Calendar for details.
Parenting by Connection Leadership Training
Saturdays, February 5th and 12th and Thursday evening February 10th in Palo Alto
A two-Saturday and one weeknight course introducing Parenting by Connection to caregivers, parents, and those who work with parents and children. The class is a "crash course" in the Listening Tools that help parents, teachers, childcare workers, counselors, support group leaders and others to connect well with parents and children, and to use listening as a powerful problem-solving strategy. It's a training in which all the skills will be demonstrated and practiced, so participants learn through their own experience and the experience of others.
Parenting by Connection Workshop in Los Angeles
Sunday February 27th
A daylong introduction to Parenting by Connection will be held in Los Angeles February 27th. Parents and professionals who work with parents and children will get an overview of this effective approach to parenting that centers on building and rebuilding connections, parent-to-parent and parent-to-child. You'll learn tools for respectfully handling your children's emotions, and the tensions that collect as we do the work of nurturing children. Led by Dana Davis and Patty Wipfler.
This workshop will be followed by a talk, Setting Limits, Communicating Caring, given on Monday, February 28th at the Foundation School Community in Van Nuys.
Our Online Newsletter Goes Quarterly
Quarterly issues of Connecting! will now bring you Parent Success Stories, a brief thought for parents or a short parent Question and Answer, and news about Hand in Hand. We hope this will meet your need for e-mail brevity, and keep you informed about Hand in Hand events and the growth of our work.
Listings of our classes, workshops and talks are now updated on our web site monthly.
Please send us your suggestions and questions you'd like to see answered online. We listen to you, our readers.
Hand in Hand Apprentices
This Fall, Laurie Lucky, Luisa Linares, Tansy Mattingly, and Jill Rehder have assisted our leaders in bringing Hand in Hand programs to parents and professionals in diverse settings. Laurie assisted Parenting by Connection classes at the San Jose Homeless Shelter; Luisa assisted with the Emotional Literacy Training for Childcare Providers through Choices for Children in San Jose; Tansy assisted a workshop given for Matrix parent advocates in Napa; and Jill assisted with an evening talk at Little Wonders Parent-Child Program in San Mateo. All four are dedicated to bringing the Listening Tools they have used to parents and childcare providers. Their enthusiasm and good work are much appreciated.
Parenting
Tip
Holiday Challenges: Shyness and Aggression
by Patty Wipfler
This month, we've chosen to bring you two Parent Success Stories that give a picture of how powerful Listening Tools can be in resolving the daily difficulties children have that can become repetitive and exhausting.
We chose a story about aggression and one about shyness because these are two frequent challenges that surface during the holiday season. Some children withdraw when faced with groups of people they seldom see, and other children have tensions that sometimes play out as aggression toward their friends, their siblings, or even toward us, their parents.
We've highlighted our article on Holiday Meltdowns, too, hoping you'll have the chance to remember that children are looking for closeness with us every time they begin an emotional moment. They want us close to them, listening, as they unload the feelings that have accumulated through the days of added expectation and stress.
And lastly, the holidays aren't merry for everyone. The commercial whirl around this Christian holiday makes community life feel less hospitable to our friends who adhere to other faiths, or to those in difficult family situations. Simply asking, "What's it like for you this time of year?" and offering to listen can help us build a richer perspective and closer ties. We don't have to "know what to say" when people's experience is different from ours, or difficult at the moment. Warmly asking what it's like opens the door to connection across almost any divide in experience.
We look forward to staying in touch with you during the coming year.
Yours,
Patty Wipfler and the Hand in Hand Staff
Parent
Success Story
Relieving My Daughter's Aggression
I have two-year old twins. In recent weeks, Molly has started hitting, biting, and pushing Monique. It seems to happen most right after I tell Molly no, or to stop doing something. She'll walk away, find Monique and give her a shove. I started telling her she could let me know what's bothering her, if she wanted to. Today, I tried Staylistening, which helped far more than I had expected.
It started with Molly wanting to ride her tricycle. I told her she couldn't right now.
She started crying, "Bicycle! Bicycle!" and thrashing around. I held her and told her I understood, I knew she really wanted to ride her bicycle but we couldn't until the weather was better outside. She cried and thrashed in my arms saying the same thing, "Bicycle!" over and over. I repeated it, "Yes I know, bicycle. Bicycle," until she changed what she was saying to, "Can't reach it!" over and over. She was truly in agony, telling me, "Can't reach it!" and sobbing. I knew this was a huge frustration for her. Being small and unable to reach all the things she wants, especially the things I've purposely put out of her reach, must be terribly frustrating.
She thrashed and cried these words for an equally long time as she had for her bicycle. After some time, she looked up at me and smiled. She jumped up and played with Monique. All afternoon, she did not shove or hurt Monique at all.
Thank you for your teachings and example. I'm going to increase the Special Time with both girls and I'm sure I'll see great results.
-- a mother in Sunnyvale, CA
A Father Helps His Son Overcome Shyness
Leo my five-year-old son and I were invited to a birthday celebration for one of his friends. The party was held in a local park and when we arrived we found that there was a relatively large number of young people and adults. His friend's mother had invited the whole kindergarten class to the party and had also arranged for some people to conduct organized games for the group of children. Leo only knew his friend and his friend's parents.
We got out of the car and headed over to the large group of people where games were already in process. As we got closer Leo clung fiercely to my arms. I suggested that he join the other children for play but he refused to go near them and told me that he didn't want to play. I could see that he was scared and felt intimidated by the all these people that he didn't know. He found it very hard to make contact with anyone even when they came up to say hello, both adults and young people alike.
Instead of getting annoyed with him I drew him off a bit and sat down with him. I held him close and gently but firmly indicated that I thought he should play with the others. He cried and stated that he didn't want to play that he wanted to stay with me. He complained that he was tired and hung on tight to me. I kept holding out the perspective that it was fine, that nothing bad was happening and that I thought he could go and play. After only a short while we moved a bit closer to the group. I made sure that he could see the play that was happening and I kept telling him that everything was all right. I told him that we were not going to go home but that we would stay. He cried for only a short bit of time further.
I then suggested we go get involved in the next game that was being arranged. I stood with him and helped explain how the game worked and what he had to do. When it was his turn he kicked the ball successfully as he had been shown and then he was off with a big smile and carefree attitude.
In just 20 minutes he went from being terrified and wanting to hide away to being fully involved and engaged in the play with the others. He was making full eye contact with the adults he hadn't even met before and had a great time. He was very playful and excited to be there with me too, and he wanted to play with me as well as the others. We had a great time!!
I felt so proud of him and pleased with me that we could get through this bit of difficulty so elegantly.
--a father in Crawley, Western Australia
Send in Your Stories!
Please send your stories of how you've used the Parenting by
Connection approach to parenting. We'd love to hear about what
you've learned, and to share it with other parents.
Announcements
Donate to Hand in Hand
To give a tax-deductible donation to Parents Leadership Institute, click here. It only takes a moment! We'd love to add you to the Hand in Hand Family of Donors.
We Love Your Feedback!
We'd like to hear how you're using the parenting tips and articles we're sending you. If you duplicate our articles for your parent group, nursery school, or church or temple Sunday school, please let us know. You're free to spread the word! We'd love to hear where and with whom. Send us an email here.
Pass It On!
Do you know parents who would find our newsletter helpful? Zap it to them! To obtain past issues, visit the Connecting! archives.
Subscribe to Connecting!
To subscribe to our newsletter, click here. Hand in Hand will never share your address with any other organization. We publish our newsletter quarterly, in March, June, September, and December. Our print newsletter is sent to Hand in Hand Members, contains more substantive articles, and is published in February, May, August, and November.
Tantrum Training in Mill Valley Take our 3-evening class in handling children's strong emotions (and your own) at Pediatric Alternatives, Mill Valley. Begins Thursday January 13th. More
View the events schedule Warning: main(/home/patty/public_html/csArticles/articles/lw/000216.htm) [function.main]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /backup/hometmp/handinha/public_html/newsletter/Connecting_4-7.html on line 738
Warning: main(/home/patty/public_html/csArticles/articles/lw/000216.htm) [function.main]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /backup/hometmp/handinha/public_html/newsletter/Connecting_4-7.html on line 738
Warning: main() [function.include]: Failed opening '/home/patty/public_html/csArticles/articles/lw/000216.htm' for inclusion (include_path='.:/usr/lib/php:/usr/local/lib/php') in /backup/hometmp/handinha/public_html/newsletter/Connecting_4-7.html on line 738
Listening to Children PLI's core understandings about how parents can create and rebuild close connections with their children. A great holiday gift for friends, grandparents, and others in your family support network. More Warning: main(/home/patty/public_html/csArticles/articles/lw/000104.htm) [function.main]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /backup/hometmp/handinha/public_html/newsletter/Connecting_4-7.html on line 748
Warning: main(/home/patty/public_html/csArticles/articles/lw/000104.htm) [function.main]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /backup/hometmp/handinha/public_html/newsletter/Connecting_4-7.html on line 748
Warning: main() [function.include]: Failed opening '/home/patty/public_html/csArticles/articles/lw/000104.htm' for inclusion (include_path='.:/usr/lib/php:/usr/local/lib/php') in /backup/hometmp/handinha/public_html/newsletter/Connecting_4-7.html on line 748
Holidays and Meltdowns Understanding your child's choice of your most stressed moments to have an upset, and a few ideas on both preventing and handling holiday meltdowns. More Warning: main(/home/patty/public_html/csArticles/articles/lw/000107.htm) [function.main]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /backup/hometmp/handinha/public_html/newsletter/Connecting_4-7.html on line 759
Warning: main(/home/patty/public_html/csArticles/articles/lw/000107.htm) [function.main]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /backup/hometmp/handinha/public_html/newsletter/Connecting_4-7.html on line 759
Warning: main() [function.include]: Failed opening '/home/patty/public_html/csArticles/articles/lw/000107.htm' for inclusion (include_path='.:/usr/lib/php:/usr/local/lib/php') in /backup/hometmp/handinha/public_html/newsletter/Connecting_4-7.html on line 759
