Q. Potty training has been a huge issue for our three-and-a-half-year-old daughter. She tells us when she has to go, wants privacy and is uncomfortable in dirty diapers. And she is TERRIFIED of going on the toilet. About six months ago, we told our daughter we had no more diapers and stuck with that story for a weekend. The weekend consisted of her throwing up from stress (we think), not going to the bathroom at all for twelve hour stretches while screaming that the poo was coming out, and when given a diaper shaking and crying when about to soil it. Needless to say we quit the experiment and she has been in diapers ever since.
Other kids are starting to make fun of her, which upsets all of us. We have had two deaths in our family this year. She also has a new brother who was born in July, and has asthma and a deadly dairy allergy. So she’s experienced stress in her life, for sure.
Other than this issue, she is happy, fun child with no other developmental concerns. I would appreciate any ideas you have!
A. Dear Parent:
You’ve been careful how you move her toward toileting. You did an experiment that brought up a lot of feelings for her, and backed off rather than push an agenda. I think that was wise. But where do you go from here?
There is a way to playfully tackle toileting fears. It’s based on the fact that laughter releases tensions that have nailed a child’s behavior into one rigid pattern. In particular, laughter helps children ease their fears, and they love to laugh, so it’s an approach they are often pleased with.
We call this tool Playlistening. For Playlistening to work, the parent takes a less powerful role than the child, so that, for instance, the adult can, with a wink and a bit of sparkle, suddenly be “afraid” of even going in the bathroom. The parent says, “Ohhh, I have to pee so badly!” and jumps around, holding their crotch, tiptoeing toward the bathroom, pushing the door open, then running away – Eeeek! I don’t want to go in there! The toilet is in there! Yikes!” Then, the parent jumps around again, “But I have to pee!”
You can also get laughter going by being silly—inviting them into the bathroom because you’re going to pee like their daddy this time and you wonder if they want to see you try to pee standing up. Or Daddy pees by standing on the toilet seat. Or try putting Cheerios in the toilet and have Daddy try to “shoot” them with his pee stream.
As you can see, these aren’t experiments to try while visiting Grandma or when others are visiting you, but in the privacy of your home, watch to see what kind of play like this brings laughter, and then do more of it, as often as you can. The laughter will help them become less fearful, and feel better about themselves —after all, suddenly, Mommy and Daddy are having troubles like theirs, are peeing in strange ways, are “afraid” to flush the toilet, etc. This will be not only funny, but a big relief to them.
Try this and see what happens! Here’s some great examples tried-and-tested by our moms:
Lots of songs: For example, “Do you hear a tinkle, tinkle tinkle do you hear a tinkle of the pee?” We inserted all of the different sounds that pee could possibly make while we were going (whoosh, spray…you get the picture)
Peeing and pooping on the cereals of their choice and then being horrified that Cheerios were in our poo and then laughing hysterically.
Dad standing on the toilet seat and peeing in to the toilet—once he even missed and peed all over himself! It was unplanned but extremely beneficial. They laughed very hard and long. So did we!
Changing the words to one of our child’s favorite songs from “Down in the meadow, hop-a-doodle” to “Down in the toilet, bomb-a-doodle” for pooping.
Examine the color of food coloring in the bowl before and after peeing.
Oohing and ahhhing after going poop ourselves. (The more oohs and aahs the better!)
Asking our child to give instructions about how to grunt and which faces to make pre-poop.
Peeing in the shower. Oh yes, we did that. Sometimes together.Â
IF ANYONE HAD TOLD ME I’D BE DOING THINGS LIKE THIS AS A PARENT I NEVER WOULD HAVE BELIEVED THEM! But they made them laugh, and they are eager for these “games” and songs.”
These fun experiences are well and creatively done, and parents can find immense fun too stepping out of ‘adult decorum’ so far! More importantly, all this play helps children to offload stress around peeing and pooping, and for some children, that will be enough to help them over the toileting hurdle.
If fears are deep-seated, you will need to try another Listening Tool called Staylistening. This strategy involves setting a simple, reasonable expectation, and then allowing a child to cry hard – perhaps even to struggle, tremble and thrash about – while keeping them safe and close so that they face their fear and move through their very intense feelings.
You can read more about the tool in Staylistening when potty training.
Children do move through their fears and come out the other side more flexible if a parent can lovingly stay and show confidence in the child. And then you can once again set up a night and a day when you say, “It’s time to try using the toilet. No diapers until Sunday.”
Then, stay close, stay relaxed, and when they begin to cry or feel panicked, let them know that they are safe, that it feels scary but that you will stay with them until it feels better.
Then, hang on for a very passionate and intense emotional ride. Their fears will release in trembling, perspiring, screaming, and perhaps thrashing and trying to get away from you, or in this case, away from the toilet. Stay with them. It’s not easy to do, but you can trust that, when they are through, things will be better.
Their fears are strong, so one long cry probably won’t, by itself, open the door to the independent toileting kingdom. Don’t worry. Pace yourself, and when you are relaxed and ready to set an expectation, for instance, “I’m going to help you stay on the toilet when you need to poo,” go ahead again, and let them cry and feel like it’s a life-and-death experience. They are working through some experience that did feel like a life-and-death struggle.
Guide them through by telling them that they are safe, that you’ll stay with them, that you’ll make sure that no harm comes to them. And allow them to show you how awful that experience was, in the guise of having to be near or sit on the toilet. It’s not a harmful thing, in reality, to sit on the toilet. So don’t worry, you’re not being a bad parent.
As long as you’re really listening, really caring about them, and really keeping them safe, what’s releasing is feelings from another time and place. Working through this wad of fear is what will, soon, make toileting possible for them.
For more on Playlistening and Staylistening download our Listening To Children booklets.
