Being a parent is hard work. It’s intense work. We shouldn’t be doing this work alone, but all too often, we find this to be the case in the modern world. When we parent alone, it brings up a lot of feelings which might include isolation, doubt, guilt, frustration, and inadequacy. And more! Most of us don’t take the time to deal with these feelings, but we put them aside at a cost. Managing feelings takes energy and erodes our patience. Loaded with feelings, it can be harder to connect with our children, to be fully present, or to be playful. We need support to work through the numerous feelings we have. Hand in Hand Parenting makes it possible to get support for ourselves through Listening Partnerships for Parents.
READY TO GET STARTED? FIND A LISTENING PARTNER HERE
Building a Listening Partnership, an exchange of listening support between adults, allows us an outlet for our early hurts as well as current big feelings so they don’t infect the time we have with our children. When we connect with another caring adult and experience their warm attention, we build the capacity within ourselves to think well and be more effective as parents, as we unleash our natural creativity and intelligence.
Your first foray into Listening Partnership territory can feel like being “the shy one” at a middle school dance. All of us are a bit awkward when trying something the first few times in a relationship with someone else. So expect it to feel uncomfortable. Expect to feel unsure whether you are doing it “correctly.” But don’t let this stop you from taking initiative! It’s okay to try new things. Every eager learner makes mistakes. And even if it is hard for you to ask for help, this kind of support will make it easier for your tremendous love to shine through to your children.
To understand the value and principles of a Listening Partnership, download the booklet Listening Partnerships for Parents (part of our Listening to Children Booklet Set). For a detailed video series including numerous Listening Partnership examples, take the self-directed class, Building a Listening Partnership.
Ready to get some stress-relief for yourself and offer another parent your support, all without spending a dime? The next step is to ask someone who matches your schedule, to be your Listening Partner.
Finding a Listening Partner:
Here are the places where you can find Listening Partners.
- The Parent Club Community – where you will receive concierge support. When you post your availability and time zone, the Moderators will help search and tag parents who match your schedule. You will also find our Listening Time NOW! chat feature for spontaneous Listening Time and weekly live zoom Support Calls, where you will get one-way Listening Time with a Hand in Hand Instructor.
- Listening Partnership Connection – after you create an account in the Hand in Hand Network, join this free space where you can post your time zone and availability.
- Foundations Course – when you join one of our Hand in Hand Foundations Courses, you will meet weekly with an Instructor for a mentoring call. On that call you’ll receive one-way Listening Time with your Mentor. You will learn how to use your Listening Time well in a small group of 3-6 parents. As safety is created in your call group, you may form long lasting Listening Partnerships with those peers. You can find the a Foundations Course that fits your schedule on our Calendar of Events.
- Workshops, classes and skill-building groups – offered by Hand in Hand Instructors and listed on our Calendar of Events, you will find opportunities to connect with other Hand in Hand parents. Every other month, there is a special workshop for Dads and periodically Instructors offer specific classes on how to build a Listening Partner. Sign up for our monthly newsletter and monthly events mailing to stay informed of our current programming and events.
While you might think that you need to Partner with someone whose kids are the same age, we like to say that anyone can be your Partner as long as you both follow the Guidelines of: no advice, no reflecting back and no referring to what your Partner said during their share. It can be easier to do that if you and your Listening Partner have little in common. It may be easier to keep your focus on them as you listen, rather than thinking about how you can help or things you have in common.
When you follow the Guidelines, you are both able to create the safety you’ll want to work on the hard times and early hurts. You’ll feel your Partner appreciating you just as you are, seeing how hard you try and seeing the good in you and your children no matter how squirrely your children’s behavior becomes on occasion. It really helps us to have people in our lives who can respect us and listen to us no matter how ragged we look, how out of sorts we are, or how desperate we feel. It’s important not to do this work alone, unseen and unacknowledged. We all need a community in which to thrive. Garnering that kind of support will help us in our efforts to be more fully present with our children.
In addition to finding Listening Partners in our online community, you might want to look for someone with whom you can exchange Listening Time in-person. This can be tricky as you have already developed patterns in your relationship. One of you may be the advice giver and one may be the advice seeker. The safety in Listening Time develops because of the equanimity of the relationship. I don’t know any better than you. In fact, you know what is best for you. I am simply holding the space and the truth of your goodness as you figure it out.
If your Listening Partner is an existing friend, it’s good to review the Guidelines around confidentiality several times. We do recommend that your parenting partner not be your first Listening Partner. The two of you are very likely to have big feelings about the same kinds of situations, and this makes it harder to really listen to one another without judgment or advice. Once you learn how to use a Listening Partnership effectively, you can try it with a close friend or partner.
In order to create safe Listening Partnerships with people already in our lives, it’s important to be clear on when we are doing Listening Time and when we are socializing or sharing advice. We want to keep our Listening Exchanges clean as we avoid chatting or advice-giving. And if something comes up in that relationship, we want to take our upset and feelings to a different Listening Partner before we might problem-solve with that person.
Your aim is to build a parent community around yourself, whether online or in-person, so that you aren’t struggling alone at home. You don’t have to Partner with someone who is more experienced or has it ‘all figured out’. We are all struggling! Someone who openly admits that parenting is a real challenge can often be a person with whom it’s easy to exchange the favor of listening.
How this can work
When I set up my first Listening Partnership, I was uncertain how it would go. I found a mother through Hand in Hand Parenting. We were very different, but I was open to an experiment. She was very good at getting to her feelings and she was so open about herself. The more I listened to her, the safer I felt. Her openness allowed me to explore myself a little deeper. In my Listening Time I was confused about how to handle a specific situation with my children and she murmured, “It’s okay to be confused here.” Her warm attention gave me a lot of permission to be myself. I could feel that she thought that I am a smart person. I had numerous exchanges with her, and during my time to share I could relate my uncertainty and confusion to my childhood that was riddled with alcoholism and abuse. It didn’t take me long to feel safe enough with her to cry, tremble, sob deeply, and sweat. I started to notice that I was gaining in clarity. It used to be that I would shut down when something out of the ordinary happened, and as you can imagine with kids, that was frequently. I have made huge progress in terms of being able to think on my feet, and to spontaneously meet my kids with listening, play, or a limit. Having the Hand in Hand Tools made things easier, but I appreciated having more clarity of mind. – Kristenne Zuzek, Hand in Hand parent
Getting Started:
If someone is new to Hand in Hand Parenting you can read the booklet Listening Partnerships for Parents together. (part of our Listening to Children Booklet Set) Kristenne Zuzek shares that with one of her new partners, they would read one principle each time right before a Listening Time. “This allowed us to still have adequate Listening Time while learning one principle at a time.”
Since you know it will probably feel a bit awkward at first, you might commit to a trial period to make sure the time of day works and the relationship works. Something like 6-8 weeks is a good start. And please take the commitment seriously. It’s best if you are not multitasking and if you can be on time and set aside any distractions.
At the end of each Listening Time, confirm your next meeting. This is a very helpful practice, especially around holidays, vacation times, school breaks, and family illnesses. If the relationship is working, you can continue doing your Listening Time; if it isn’t working for you, it okay to let your Listening Partner know that. And then try to find someone else. There are many great parents who make excellent Listening Partners.
Through Hand in Hand Parenting, Kristenne connected with a mother in the United Kingdom who was looking for a Listening Partner and who had posted some mutually convenient times. “We clicked right away. We’ve been doing Listening Time for three years now with every intention of continuing.”
How this can work
I remember an exchange when I was working on my feelings of insecurity in social situations and feelings that I didn’t belong. I have social skills, but I knew that when I was stressed, I tended to internalize my stress and close doors to being warm and affectionate with others, even those I cared about. I assumed this was who I was. I was content to not be seen or heard during those stressful times. But I was noticing that I was doing this with my children too. With the stress of everyday life, I was turning inward and frequently choosing to do chores or organize our home non-stop rather than slow down and connect with my children. During my weekly Listening Time on skype, I asked my Partner to show some enthusiasm when I would walk into the view of the computer. I walked away from the camera and returned multiple times to her jumping up and down, whooping, and clapping, all with great enthusiasm. It was such a profound experience for me. Feeling her great joy to be in my presence kicked up feelings from my childhood, one in which I was never acknowledged when I walked into a room. I wasn’t noticed or seen unless I was doing something wrong. The safety my Listener created allowed me to cry many tears for not being acknowledged. With my Listener, I felt heard and seen.
After that Listening Time, I started to notice how I was greeting my children. Was I in a hurry? Did I pause and listen? Did I rush them? Did I focus on connecting first? Did my children look me in the eyes? Did I worry more about the stress of that day rather than my children in that moment? I had a big shift internally in terms of being able to offer greater warmth and connection to my children, being outwardly affectionate, being more present, and letting them know verbally and non-verbally that I cherished their presence.
When to get Listening Time and Creative Strategies:
Sometimes it feels like there is never a break from our children. Sometimes we need to find those little nooks and crannies when we can get support. Early morning hours, after bedtime hours, naptimes, drop off at childcare, during school, and lunchtime in the middle of your workday may be possibilities for you. Kristenne says that she has spent many hours doing Listening Time in her car on the phone.
You can also do a childcare exchange. It would take at least three adults to do this, but it has worked many times. A minimum of three adults and their children gather at someone’s house. One adult watches the children while another person gets Listening Time in a private space. After that person gets Listening Time, she goes and plays with the children. The person watching the kids the first round listens to the other adult. You switch things around so each person gets a turn at each position.
You might also arrange for your child to go to someone else’s house while you get Listening Time with a friend in person or on the phone. If there isn’t anyone physically available, you might ask someone to connect with your child over video. They might read to your child or even delight in them while they do Special Time.
We also know people who have arranged a playdate or hired a fun-loving, attentive teenager to watch the kids for an hour while the two adults share Listening Time. Look around to see if there is a warm and interesting teenager so you can get things done and get Listening Time. There are young people out there who like kids and who have warmth and want to have a place to play without adults to mediate everything.
You Deserve Help
You deserve help. We all need help at some time or another. Help is appropriate. Help is just right for your family. And we can do a lot of this help with Listening Partnerships. Lead your family. Get support for yourself. Get good acknowledgement for the amazing work you do. Give Listening Partnerships a try!
Start by downloading the booklet Listening Partnerships for Parents. Our gift for you!
For a detailed video series including numerous Listening Partnership examples, take the self-directed class, Building a Listening Partnership.
