Our children need us to be open to the intensity and the power of the feelings they are having. They need us to fully hear how hard it is.
Recently in our family we’ve had a new baby. That’s brought all sorts of adjustments, of course, for my son. There are a few “playlistening” ideas that have been helpful, that others may find useful too:
I didn’t make him do it, but I didn’t give up on the idea that he COULD do it.
The Daddy was trying to talk his daughter out of the tantrum, but our teacher kept gently reminding him that this was exactly what his little girl needed to do, and that she was smart to work on her feelings so vigorously.
“You know, my son is driving me absolutely crazy. He whines and whines and I just go up the wall. Sometimes I have to leave the room, ’cause I don’t want to hurt him and I’m going nuts. I just leave him alone when he does that.”
I just told them both that I was there for them and that it was okay to cry.
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After dinner, I remembered the Hand in Hand idea of allowing “taboo” things during Special Time.
Our older son tore it out of his brother’s hands and said that he was playing with it.
She had thought if her little girl was angry, that she was being ungrateful or inconsiderate or something like that.
I sensed that she was being triggered by the memory of her sister’s serious fall. I followed her to her room, where she was hiding in the closet. I went in there to do Staylistening, but she wouldn’t look at me and wasn’t communicative.
When one reasonable request doesn’t get through to our children, it’s time for an entirely new tactic. We propose the vigorous snuggle!
I was very proud of her transition, and I felt like Special Time had really smoothed things in a way that made us both very pleased.
She kept forcefully resisting me when I would try to get her lie her down on her changing pad.
We’d love to hear from you! Let us know how you are using the Hand in Hand tools in your life. Email us at info at handinhandparenting dot org
Children need to feel their feelings and share them with a caring adult. And then they can relax and feel confident and safe.
Why was I plagued by thoughts of my less-than-ideal childhood when I should be enjoying my daughter’s happy one?
She took in my answer, and began to scream.