In this article, we’ll look at why every child has at least some difficulties sharing, and we’ll suggest a policy that you can establish that will move your child toward being able to share more of the time.
Children love sharing
Children actually love to share. When they’re babies, they like to give us things and have us give those things back. When they’re a bit older, they like to take a plate of cookies and offer one to each person in the room. When older still, they love the games that include everyone in the family. And when they are relaxed and feel secure, children even love to see someone else enjoy their favorite things.
To be able to share, a child needs to feel a strong sense of connection, they need to feel loved and warmly accepted. When they feel close to others and emotionally safe, they’re not so desperate for the blue shovel or the green balloon. They can wait for a turn. They have what they really need; a sense of connection buoys them through little disappointments.
What children really want and need
Sharing goes hand in glove with being relaxed and feeling loved. Children have a few vital needs, and when these needs are filled, they can relax. They feel secure enough to play flexibly and respond thoughtfully to the needs and wishes of others. We all know that children need good food, good sleep, fresh air, room to play safely, and access to at least one or two people who are committed to their well-being. Parents, warmth, food, and safety: these are the most basic needs.
But in order to relax and thrive, children need a few more vital things. Blue shovels and green balloons aren’t on this list. My list of what a child needs to thrive goes something like this:
- The daily opportunity to connect and be relaxed with someone who cares
- Emotional warmth and welcome
- Respect for their intelligence
- Time for play
- Lots of affection
- Frequent opportunities to laugh together with others
- Frequent opportunities to cry, in the shelter of someone’s arms, when hurt feelings arise
- Information about what is happening and why
- Limits—enforced without violence—that promote safety and respect
Two main reasons sharing breaks down
When children aren’t able to share, it’s usually for one of two reasons. Either they haven’t been able to establish a sense of connection in the past few hours, or something has happened to remind them of hurtful times in the past, when they felt afraid or alone.
When children don’t feel connected, they can’t share
Often, we parents don’t notice how much time passes between moments when we can offer emotional warmth and connection. Life is full, and putting food on the table and a roof over one’s head is increasingly difficult. We meet the external needs of our children; we dress them, give them food, and see that they bathe and brush their teeth.
But the time parents have to create playful, relaxed connections with their children dwindles every year as workplace demands grow and communities struggle to provide safe and decent places for children. For dual-career couples with children under eighteen, the combined on-the-job hours have increased from an average of eighty-one a week in 1977 to ninety-one in 2002—according to the Work and Family Institute. And this does not take commuting hours into account.
So it’s no wonder that children have spells of “off track” behavior. They are bound to spin out of orbit, given the amount of other work we parents are expected to do.
To a child, a sense of connection is like a tightrope walker’s long pole: feeling close to someone keeps a child in balance, so they can do challenging things with grace and confidence. Without that sense of connection, their ability to function lasts only a few seconds. Unhitched from a close bond, they feel too tense to share, too unsure of their own safety to take turns.
When a child becomes brittle, any little disappointment brings up lots of tears or tantrums about what they want. The child aches to be brought close, but they focus on needing a blue shovel or a green balloon to signal their parents that they need help.
How children signal that they need connection
Once in a while, children can ask directly for the closeness that will help them. They run to a parent and cling to their leg or beg to crawl into their lap. But more often, children use signals that are less direct. A child will let a parent know they are running on empty by wanting only what someone else has, or by wanting all of something—all of the blocks, all of the crackers, or all of the long park bench. And sometimes, children will suddenly want something that is clearly off limits.
If you are a parent with a child who tends to signal you in one of these ways, rest assured that there’s nothing wrong with your child. They are communicating well. They are saying, “I need your help!”
Why children cry so easily about the small things they want
Once a child feels they can’t live another minute without a desired item, the feelings run high. They have lost their sense of closeness and the safety that brings. They feel hurt, or even frightened. They try to “fix” the feeling of hurt that comes when connection breaks by filling that sense of need with a blue shovel or a green balloon. But of course, blue shovels and green balloons don’t meet the core needs of a child. They may cling to the item they want, but it doesn’t do their aching heart any good. When a child gets what they want, they may look OK on the outside, but they often remain brittle on the inside—easily upset and either defensive or unhappily passive when someone else’s turn comes.
Children cry easily at this point because they need to. They often actually set up chances to cry about something they want, hoping their parents will know that they need to dissolve the hurt that comes from disconnection. Crying, tantrums, and laughter are the main ways children recover their sense that all’s right with the world.
When an adult can set a helpful limit, and offer warmth and caring while feelings are high, a child can regain their sense of perspective. When they are done, they know once again that life is OK with the yellow shovel, or that they’ll eventually get some time with the green balloon.
It takes two to tangle
When two children want the same thing and they’re both feeling connected and relaxed, they share. They can figure out something fun to do while they wait for their turn. When they’re toddlers, they don’t even need to talk about the turns. One takes the toy, and the other thinks about it, and then moves on to some other activity that pleases them. When children are older, they can figure out how to share verbally and are pleased with themselves as they do it.
But when a child is tense, taking turns isn’t their idea of a solution. They want the blue shovel now! If a second child, who wants the shovel, is feeling connected, they can adjust their expectations and find something else to do for a while. So problems with sharing arise primarily when both children are feeling rocky because they have lost their sense of connection.
The limitations of adult-enforced solutions
When children can’t share, we parents want to fix the problem quickly. But fixing it—saying whose turn it is, and timing the turns so they’re equal, for instance—makes us enforcers rather than connectors. Our children’s “need” for the blue shovel may be met, five minutes at a time, but their deeper need to feel close to someone still throbs. So they can’t share without help, and they continue to need help, incident after incident.
When adults insist on turns and a child’s turn finally comes, that child may defend their hard-won item with all their energy, losing the joy of having it in the effort to defend their turn. Or they may gloat that they have it, upsetting the children around them.
Perhaps another, more subtle difficulty with adult-enforced sharing is that while we’re sorting out a dispute, it’s easy to slip into feeling like our children are immature, because sharing is simple. But sharing isn’t easy for grownups either. The reality of the human condition is that a parent might try to negotiate turns between the children one minute, and return to the kitchen to continue a longstanding disagreement with a partner over sharing the tasks of the household or who decides what the family will do on Sunday.
I think the most compelling reason not to habitually enforce turns is that it focuses our attention on trying to make things “the same” for each child, rather than on connecting with each child. When children don’t feel connected to you or to each other, their disputes will continue, and run your patience into the ground. They feel needy. No amount of enforcement can help them relax and work things out with tolerance and good will.
It can be smart to set up and patrol turns when you’re in a public place and tantrums will undo your own composure, when exhaustion prevents you from being able to listen to anyone’s feelings, or when you’re working with a large group of children, and paying attention to one will leave the others unsafe.
A sharing approach that works
But on our good days, we adults can actually help children undo the tensions that make sharing an ongoing challenge. A policy that, over time, helps children relax enough to share well and often is this:
I’ll be with you while you wait.
When your child wants something they can’t have, and you come close and keep them company during their tears or their tantrum, you meet their core need to get rid of deep feelings. You connect. While they are in the throes of big feelings, they may feel angry with you for not “solving” the problem, but they’ll feel quite loving toward you when they are finished shedding those feelings.
Crying, trembling, and having tantrums are children’s way of dissolving the power of an upset, so they can regain their ability to see that there are many options that would satisfy them. When we stay and love them until the storm is over, they have the strongest possible sense of security: “My Dad loves me no matter what.” “My Mommy loved me, even when I told her to go away!”
When parents or caregivers adopt this policy, sooner or later every child will have the chance to offload their feelings of need. Shana gets the dolly stroller for a long turn today while Anita cries about wanting it. Tomorrow, Anita gets the stroller while Jordan has a tantrum because they want it. Shana had a good cry two days ago, so even on the third day, they are relaxed enough to want the stroller when they see that Anita has it, but move on to play under the table instead. Each child gets your arm around them while they cry, and hears your reassuring words, “Anita will be through with it sometime. I’ll stay with you while you wait.”
Set a goal of long-term fairness
With this policy, you don’t have to spend your energy trying to make things the same for each child in the short run. A child who wants to ride the only tricycle in the yard may get a whole twenty minutes while their friend cries hard about wanting it. But the child who cries gets a caring adult’s full attention, a far more significant prize than the tricycle. And the child who has the trike doesn’t have to defend their toy—they can play without fear that something will be arbitrarily taken. They also have the opportunity to offer a turn out of real generosity, rather than being forced to “act nice” because an adult says they must.
Sometimes, a child clings tightly to a toy or other desired item for days at a time, never letting others have a turn. In this case, you need to be proactive about the “I’ll be with you while you wait” policy. You let the child know that tomorrow will be different: “Sam, tomorrow when Maggie comes to play, she’s going to get to ride the trike first, and I’ll help you wait.”
You know that when Maggie gets there, Sam will make a bee-line for the trike! So, prepared to help Sam connect with you, you get there first, saying, “Sam, today Maggie gets the first turn. Let’s move back a step so she can climb on.” Sam then gets to have the cry and the personal attention he’s been signaling for.
Outcomes you can expect over time
This policy puts great trust in the good nature of children. It is based on the reliable, healing power of tantrums and of crying hard. When a caring adult listens well as a child cries long and hard about the turn they are not getting, several outcomes are often seen. It can happen that the other child comes and willingly offers a turn, having found empathy in their heart. It can also happen that a child cries long and hard, and then decides there’s something else they want to do. Usually, if their cry hasn’t been cut short, they’ll be relaxed and undaunted by not getting the item they wanted. Its importance fades as the feel of your love seeps in.
Over time, children whose feelings are listened to become much better able to make friends, and navigate the intricacies of sharing. They become less defensive and less aggressive. They laugh more and fight less. This transformation happens gradually, but if you are listening to a child’s feelings, you can depend on good results.
An adult who will stay close, hold a reasonable limit, and listen to a child’s feelings can fill the core needs of the child. You don’t have to rummage through the garage for a second blue shovel or try to find a green balloon just like the one that Sally has. You simply need to listen while your child cries about what they want but can’t have, until they can tell they’re OK and you love them.
Here’s how “I’ll be with you while you wait” works:
I held a small parent/child playtime for parents of children who were under three. One little girl I’ll call Anna was brought by her two parents, who also had her baby brother in their arms.
During the Special Time portion of the playtime, Anna’s father began paying full attention to her. She immediately began running around the play space loudly chanting, “Baby! Baby! Baby! Baby!” over and over again. It was easy to conclude that she was announcing the issue that was most on her mind.
After Special Time, another girl, whom Anna had totally ignored, happened to be playing with a red ball. It was one of three balls that were identical, except for their colors. Anna went over and whined that she wanted the red ball. I told her gently that she could have it when the child was finished with it, and I pointed to the two other balls available. She took in my answer, and began to scream.
Her father came over and held her while she curled into his arms, screamed at the top of her lungs, and cried. She went back and forth from kicking and screaming to sobbing and burrowing into him. I stayed close to support him. Together, we listened to her feelings, and now and then we told her she could have a ball, but not the one Ginger was playing with. She cried hard for about twenty minutes. Then, she looked out and saw that Ginger had finished with the red ball, and was playing with some cardboard blocks.
Anna wiped her eyes, and, finally free of that load of feelings, went over and gently, thoughtfully entered into play with Ginger. The red ball was of no interest to either of them. They spent the next half-hour playing in very close proximity, sharing easily and laughing lots. Not once did Anna show possessiveness over sharing space or sharing toys. She had had her good cry, she had gotten her father’s listening and attention, and her needs had been met. With her improved confidence, she made a friend.
By Patty Wipfler, Founder of Hand in Hand Parenting
From the Hand in Hand Toolbox:
- Up connection with you and your child with a daily dose of Special Time. Here’s what that is and how to do it.
- Troubles with siblings? We have a self-guided video course Taming Sibling Rivalry
- Listen to this free recording and learn how to Set Limits without Saying “Time-Out!”
