Special Time is a simple idea that carries a lot of power. It’s a highly dependable way to build and to rebuild a close connection with a child.
Special Time is when the parent spends a well-defined amount of time one-on-one with their child, with no interruptions, promising to do whatever the child wants to do. During Special Time, the parent tries to remain pleased and fully attentive, and does not try to teach, advise or control their child unless safety is an issue.
The power of Special Time is that it puts the parent in the “back seat” of the parent/child relationship. The child does the steering. Until you do Special Time, it’s hard to detect habits of control and direction that you may have adopted in your interactions with your child. Special Time helps a parent pull away from those habits, and gives the child a chance to bask in the parent’s approval and demonstrate their own preference and interests.
Children often ask for kinds of play or interaction that a parent wouldn’t usually choose, or wouldn’t think of. The child’s choices are a direct but nonverbal communication about what they like, their issues, or possibly the places they have become stuck in a rut of fascination or worry. But in any case, Special Time makes it safe for a child to “show themselves” in ways that they might not usually dare to, because the parent has agreed to pay attention, to support the child’s ideas, and has sworn not to allow anything to interrupt. The sense of closeness and caring that children derive from Special Time builds their confidence in their ability to think, to love, and to learn.
Used wisely, Special Time can be a powerful tool for creating and repairing connection between parent and teen, too. Here are a few things to remember when setting out to try Special Time with your teenager:
Teens need their parents to reach out for a genuine connection. Think for a minute about why you want to be close to your teenager. Think about what you used to love to do with them, and what has been fun recently. Think about their longings and the things your teen is interested in. Offer to spend one-on-one time, not because you “should,” or because a problem needs to be solved, but because you want your life and their life to be good, and good together.
It’s helpful to set the guidelines, so your teen’s hopes aren’t raised, then dashed unnecessarily. How much time can you really spend? How much money can you spend? Do you have transportation? How far can you go? Will you buy things you don’t usually allow, i.e., candy, soda, and body piercings, or not?
Don’t bring up sore subjects. This is a time to put your attention on the good things about your teen, not on your irritations or worries. If you must bring up difficult topics, make an appointment for that, totally separate from Special Time. Let this time be led by your teen, not your worries or upsets.
If your offer of time together is rejected, don’t give up! There are at least two things you can do to move things forward:
The first and most important one is to set up a good amount of time for a Listening Partnership, so you can talk fully about yourself and your teenager. What’s great in your relationship with them, and what’s difficult? What was life like for you at that age? What was your relationship like when they were an infant? A toddler? It’s surprisingly helpful for parents to have 45-minutes or an hour to consider the big picture of their relationship without advice or interruption. Talking about one’s own experiences, and noticing the feelings that make it hard to show respect, affection, or encouragement toward your teen will help to move the relationship between you forward.
The second thing a parent can do is to initiate time together without announcing it, and without drawing attention to it. This might mean taking a magazine into your teenager’s room and plopping down on the bed while they are doing homework, moving close to really listen to the words of the songs on their favorite CD, or being awake and ready with a snack when your teen comes home late at night. Prepare yourself to pay attention to your teen, but in a low-key way. You’re “leaning towards them,” not rushing in to ask questions or try to be their best friend. Look for opportunities to offer approval. Discipline yourself not to ask probing questions. Just hang out.
You’re “trolling” for an opportunity to engage. Your teen might not take immediate advantage of your unspoken availability. They may look like they don’t notice. That’s fine. You’re learning to let them be in the driver’s seat during these unannounced Special Times. You are making a commitment in your mind and heart to offer your attention, and to trust them to take the offer eventually. Every time you hang around, content to be in your teen’s presence, you’re making it safer for your teen to eventually talk with you about important things. The path won’t be short or certain, but carving out times when you decide not to be busy, and you set out no demands or expectations, will take you in a good direction.
Special Time, tailored by you for your own circumstances with your teenager, can make a big difference at times of trouble. Having one-on-one time during which you offer approval, interest, and no reference to difficulties can help break the isolation that glues a rough spot between you, in place.
Special Time can also provide your teen a way to create times with you that they’ll remember all their life, because they were able to be in charge, and to feel your support as they do what they love, or try something new. The more Listening Partnership time you organize for yourself, where you can release the emotions your teenager ignites in you, the easier your reach for connection with your teenager may be. Genuine caring makes a huge difference to teenagers. Whether they’re fighting caring or absorbing it, they need to feel their parents sending it. Special Time, announced or unannounced, is a tool that helps parents send that vital caring toward their child.
There’s more about building a close connection with teenagers and pre-teens in our booklet, Supporting Adolescents.
Here is a powerful story from a mother who used Special Time for the first time with her fourteen-year-old son. She did several things just right:
She wanted to spend time one-on-one with him, and he could tell.
She made a firm decision to follow his lead. The interactions that resulted were fresh, because she lifted the standards and policies she usually enforced, in order to let her son direct the time between them. She kept catching herself, and steering away from her usual responses.
She relaxed and enjoyed herself and him.
Not every Special Time yields important insights that make a marked change in the parent/teen relationship. But it’s a practice with great potential for improving relationships, and one that can be used to build love and respect in both good times and hard times.
Learn how to use all the Tools with your teen or tween in our self-guided course: Raising Happier Tweens.
Get daily coaching, weekly support calls and access to Listening Partners in our Parent Club Community.
Do you want more suggestions on how to use Special Time? Check out our free video series. In the first video, you’ll get a step by step guide to using Special Time and some fun examples of what it can look like. Get your videos now.
