It’s fall, and families everywhere are figuring out a routine that accommodates school, daycare, work, and family stability.
Humans are inclined toward pleasure and joy. We like to play. We enjoy our free time—parents no less than children. But after a bit of a summer break, parents have to find a way to force their loving family into the structures of a school- and work-oriented schedule. In many families, the greatest trauma is felt around homework.
Given the rigors of weekdays, it’s easy to see why chores are a source of trouble. Tired, harried parents have children who’ve been told enough what to do for the day. Add a measure of resentment and frustration (ingredients that usually don’t come in small quantities). Some parents feel they need to spice up the mix with threats of punishment or withdrawal of privileges, even though this never actually makes the final product any tastier. Some children add: “I can’t!” or “I won’t!” or “Leave me alone!” It’s an incendiary mix. Chores are predicted to be a key to their child’s future success in the world. This actually tends to undermine the sweetness of the parent-child relationship. And it makes children bitter about school.
There is strong evidence that homework in the early years of school offers no intellectual advantage to children. A study from the University of Michigan has shown that the best predictor of high grades and fewer behavior problems for children between the ages of 3 and 12 is eating together as a family, not studying. To maintain the motivation and sustained attention needed to learn, children’s spirits must be nourished with laughter, physical contact, running around, caresses, and family conversations that let them know they belong to us. Instead of homework, children would do better having fun, relaxing, and engaging in adventures and hobbies after school. Their instincts are good. Play is needed to keep people united and in the mood to learn from each other.
Unfortunately, schools tend to turn every learning opportunity into a chore. Once there’s an assignment and a due date, learning becomes a chore that’s supposed to be done alone. Children aren’t meant to do work on their own! The homework assignment sometimes shows not the child’s intelligence, but the family’s emotional strength as they survive night after night of bookworm work.
I’m not going to go into detail here about how to limit the homework load. Excellent resources for parents who have this concern are cited at the end of this article. I think it makes sense for parents to strongly advocate for homework policies that strictly limit the type and amount of homework expected of their children. Until we parents can control schoolwork that doesn’t truly educate or inspire our children, we have to deal with all the feelings that arise on school nights. Here are some considerations that can help keep the family headed in a constructive direction on the homework front.
Recognize that children need to play and connect.
This need is as vital to their health and well-being as food and water. If children need to use their intelligence, they need to be able to feel the love you have for them. That sense of connection is the driving force behind their motivation to try again and again. Learners must experience things in a variety of ways. They must recover from experiments that don’t work. Children recharge through play and a loving connection.
Schedule Special Time to recharge your child.
A designated time each day called Special Time can help a child feel “seen,” in control, and loved. During Special Time, they choose what they want to do. Your job is to be kind, interested, and happy with them. Don’t put all your attention on whatever game or activity they choose. It’s your attention and your delight in it that is the reward. It’s an antidote to a long day of school.
Allow your child to have Special Time and play before doing chores.
The connections he makes during play will help prepare his mind for the task at hand. These connections won’t erase feelings he has about unfair school conditions. They won’t remedy his lack of confidence in a particular subject. But they will help him connect with you and help you feel closer to him before you both face the emotional challenges of schoolwork. It’s always better to face a challenging situation knowing there’s someone there for you. Playing during Special Time prepares you for that state.
Prepare for explosive moments.
The intense annoyances children have about homework are not signs that something bad has happened. You have not failed as a parent. Your child is not stupid or weak. He has accumulated emotional tension from many unpleasant incidents during the day. In addition, he has some acquired feelings from years past—such as being afraid of making mistakes; feeling that life is unfair (a very common feeling among children with siblings); or feeling too tired to function. He has his own particular flavor of feelings that surface under stress. Every day, his experience is colored by these negative interpretations of reality. Today’s homework is the perfect hanger for the feelings he’s carried for years. Prepare for this.
Find an adult to vent to.
If you can’t stand your child’s daily complaints, find a friend and talk for about half an hour to notice and discuss the persistent feelings that surface when your child starts complaining about homework. Instead of exploding at him, explode at your listening partner. Talk about it. Feel it. Say the offensive words you’re tempted to say. Stomp your feet! Grab your listening partner by the shoulders and scold him. Let the heat of your own emotion into the emotional mix. When you find an outlet for your own feelings and reactions, this will empower you later to help your child with the emotional work he needs to do to maintain his interest in learning, despite difficult school experiences and gaps in his confidence.
When your child’s emotions arise, lean in close and listen.
To overcome the feeling that school is unfair, that he doesn’t like his teacher, or that he can’t do math, your child needs to cry, rage, and tell you that he hates homework. This passionate emotional episode is what his system really needs to diffuse the anger and create room for reasoning and enthusiasm again. You don’t need to threaten or disapprove. Just listen. Life has been unfair. He’s felt small, stupid, and unloved. It’s not his fault. He’s dissolving the power of those feelings by crying and struggling and telling you how compelling those feelings are. As you listen, you are healing the pain he’s expressing. This is called Staying Listening, which has great power as a strategy for helping your child regain his sense that life is good and that you are there for him.
Staying Listening works with homework.
Here’s an example: My daughter breezed through first and second grade math, but now it’s become more difficult, and she has to memorize multiplication tables. She doesn’t like it and has resisted doing it.
One day, I decided we needed to sit down together with a pencil and paper and write out the times tables to help her remember them. I was in the mood to gently urge her to write down the four and six times tables.
She grabbed the pencil and wrote 4 x 1 = 4. On the 4 x 2, she didn’t like the way the 2 looked, so she angrily erased it. “Stupid!” she screamed. She started writing 4 x 3 =, then threw the pencil on the floor and screamed at the top of her lungs, “I’m stupid! Nobody likes me! I hate school! I hate myself! You are the WORST mom!” She went on like this for about five minutes.
I took the pencil from her. “I see how hard this is for you, but I know you can do it. Let’s do it together next time. Four times three is twelve.” She yelled back. No words, just a powerful burst of noise. At 4 x 4 = 16, the tears started. She went back to the litany of hating herself and cried hard. So we continued with the four. She sat on my lap for a minute before wrestling with the six. We thought that was enough for the day.
The next morning in the car, I asked him to review the multiplication tables, and he said all of them except one. Now he’s learning the 12 times multiplication table. Working—no yelling or throwing things. It’s surprising how much tension there is when you have to memorize something. Here’s my equation: Less tension = More learning.
Believe in your child when he or she starts crying or throwing a tantrum when he or she has chores. It’s not a personal failure. It’s not a tactic to get them done later. It’s your child’s instinct to unload the emotional mess that’s been deposited in his or her path. Sometimes, a great cauldron of emotions is drained with several emotional episodes, each as passionate as the one before. The process can be noisy and hair-raising. But you can believe in your child’s outburst to overcome the situation. With your help, he or she regains vital parts of his or her intelligence. In time, you will be rewarded with a more self-confident child.
For more information on Hand in Hand’s 5 tools for parents, read our Listening to Children booklets .
