Lo que se puede y no se puede en el trabajo de ser padres y madres
Se espera que padres y madres tengan un control completo de sus vidas y las de sus hijos, pero algunos aspectos claves de esta expectativa son imposibles de lograr. Debido a que no se ofrece la manera de aprender cómo criar a los hijos de antemano, padres y madres nos preocupamos y batallamos cuando parece que no tenemos todo “bajo control”; o cuando el tener todo bajo control implica que seamos rudos con nuestros hijos. Vamos primero a echar un vistazo a las cosas que ningún padre o madre puede controlar completamente:
No tenemos un completo control sobre nuestras vidas.
A nosotros y a nuestros hijos nos pueden suceder cosas malas y las opresiones sociales pueden empujarnos a circunstancias inhumanas. Hay cosas que podemos hacer para tratar de mantener saludables a nuestras familias, pero no tenemos un control completo sobre ello. Hay cosas que podemos hacer para tratar de pagar nuestras cuentas, pero no podemos garantizar que siempre tengamos empleos y que los salarios de la clase trabajadora sean suficientes para cubrir las necesidades. Nos esforzamos por formar buenas relaciones, pero muchos de nosotros no iniciamos este esfuerzo con el apoyo, la información, ni el tiempo necesario para resolver los problemas críticos de una relación. Además, tenemos que enfrentar el racismo, las drogas, la violencia y la dureza del ambiente en las escuelas y la calle. Solos con nuestros hijos, somos vulnerables a las heridas y a dificultades imprevistas. No tiene sentido culparse a si mismos por falta de control. La probabilidad de salir adelante al enfrentar las dificultades ocasionadas por la opresión o algún problema de salud reside en nuestra capacidad para organizarnos junto a otros y hacer lo que sea necesario, pero CON MUCHA AYUDA.
No tenemos control sobre el comportamiento de nuestros hijos.
But we do have a profound influence on them. The ways we love, cherish, and treat them affect our children every moment and for the rest of their lives. But that influence doesn’t mean we can control how they feel and behave. Nor does it mean that a child’s difficult behavior is due to their parents’ lack of effort or poor parenting. Our children are subject to difficulties due to circumstances beyond our control—their health, accidents, unexpected encounters with people who don’t see them as being right, the amount of pressure on us, and incidents no one could have anticipated. When children are hurt by these kinds of circumstances, their behaviors are reflections of their fears, and they are perceived as “difficult” children. This is not the fault of their parents. In fact, this “out-of-line” behavior is a necessary signal the child sends, saying they have been hurt and need attention. As difficult as their behavior may seem, we parents should be thankful that our children refuse to suffer in silence when they feel too isolated, scared, or angry to think straight.
To be frank, sometimes we adults have no control over even our own behavior. It’s a common surprise for parents to find themselves yelling and hitting their beloved children when they never intended to hurt them. There are things our children do that drive us crazy—whining, making a mess, fighting, being rude, and “talking back” when we find ourselves trying to regain control.
We all have limits, and when we exceed them, we lose control over our behavior. We often become very similar to our parents when they became lost in their reactions.
Finally, we have no control over what other people think of us and our children. As parents, we strive to get our children to conform to certain—undefined—measures of conformity, hoping that if they “behave well,” other people will like them. Unfortunately, we live in a society where adults are taught to identify children as “problems,” “annoyances,” “work,” “annoyances,” and worse. This view is deeply rooted, and no matter how well-behaved a child is, such attitudes exist beneath the surface of many people, waiting to be awakened.
As parents, we must, on behalf of our children, decide not to attack them to please people who only accept children if they behave like adults. Even the best behavior of a child cannot cure this hostile attitude. Therefore, if your child is throwing a healthy tantrum in front of a relative who insists you get angry with them, simply take your child to another part of the house where you can, with time and calm, handle the situation. Getting angry with your child because someone else wants you to will not help increase their self-respect, will not change that person’s negative attitude toward your child, and will turn you against the child you love so much.
THE GOAL OF DEDICATING OURSELVES TO BEING LEARNERS
I think the goals that parents can reasonably set are:
- Enjoy our children.
- Learn something new every day.
- Consider ourselves and our children as learners.
Deciding that we’re always learning helps take some of the internal pressure off our shoulders and off our children. Learners have permission to make lots of mistakes, to ask for help, and to not be experts in how things work. And best of all, learners have permission to laugh (or cry) when their project goes awry or breaks down in front of others. We understand that this is part of learning. If we’re learning, we know how to do certain things; and what we don’t know, we’re learning the best way we can, even if we sometimes fail. As parents, a strategy based on the principle of “I’m learning, not controlling” can be immensely helpful. While continuing to try, pay close attention to what’s fun, what’s good, what’s going well. Our minds get so focused on the tasks at hand that we lose sight of what we like, what’s going well, and the little things we’re learning. It might be helpful to post a list on the refrigerator or bathroom mirror where you write down the things that went well each day for everyone to see. Some families start dinnertime by asking each member, “What went well today?” to get the children talking and the whole family listening to their experiences.
Welcome your child’s feelings.
Feelings are a very important part of children’s lives, and expressing them helps them recover from the difficult incidents (big and small) that happen to them every day. Crying, tantrums, and laughter have a profound healing effect on children. By expressing these emotions at length, children let go of the feelings that make them feel like things aren’t going well in their lives. Once they’ve gotten rid of those feelings, they regain their desire to love and be loved. It helps if you can lean in and listen while the storm passes. If you can’t, try not to criticize, shame, blame, or hurt them as they expel their angry or sad feelings.
Find someone who will listen to you talk about your feelings.
We parents carry many feelings that we’ve been taught to hide as if they didn’t exist. In fact, being able to hide feelings is what’s considered “having the situation under control.” The problem is that feelings aren’t well hidden forever. Our worries increase our frustrations and anger. We make an ever-increasing effort to keep them bottled up until they finally spill out when some small thing goes wrong. Often, this turns us against our children in ways we later regret. Finding another parent to listen on the phone (at an agreed-upon time) can lighten the burden our feelings represent. A good laugh, a good cry, a good rant about everything we’re expected to do can do a lot to lighten our step and remind us how good we are, no matter how many mistakes we make or how many answers we don’t have at hand at any given moment.
See what things you can’t accomplish and talk to others about them.
In a parent’s daily life, there are probably at least 50 issues that arise that they can’t understand. “Why can’t your child brush their teeth alone? Why are they afraid of the dark? Why does your teenager think you’re the most annoying person in the world?”
Being honest about things we don’t know is an excellent learning technique. It makes us active learners seeking information and understanding. And it’s also good to be honest with our children and acknowledge when we don’t know what to do. “I don’t know what to do about your refusal to help around the house. I’m trying to figure out what to do. Can we talk about it tomorrow? After I talk to a couple of people to see if they have any good ideas…” is a good way to begin problem-solving with your child.
Get help. We’ve been led to believe that asking for help means accepting our weaknesses. However, there are many types of jobs that weren’t created to be done by one person alone. Constructing buildings, running a supermarket, providing intensive nursing care, and raising children are some of the jobs that can only be done well if several people organize to achieve a common goal. When we gave birth to our children, we had no idea that seeking and getting help was part of our new job as parents. This is something we often learn by being overwhelmed by not being able to achieve what we want, and then feeling bad for having “given up” and asking for help. But any experienced mother or father can assure you that we all need a break from working with our children, we all need others to help us care for them, we all need someone to help us talk and think about the details of our lives as parents. Every mother and father needs help, period.
Set expectations soaring.
When you reach the point where you can’t appreciate yourself or anyone else, throw an expectation out the window. Let the house be a mess for a few days, weeks, months, or years; don’t worry if you don’t cook; let relatives get mad because you didn’t go to the last party, or take a nap during your lunch break, even if your coworkers talk about you. You are the one who decides what you need and what you don’t. Having to keep up appearances when you’re trying to raise children prevents us from enjoying life. You are allowed to have a messy house, while still being proud of yourself, your family, and your choices.
Make time for play activities that include lots of laughter.
Children love to laugh, and when we make them laugh through play (but not tickle them), they are filled with joy and optimism. This joy and optimism are contagious. Seeing them writhe with laughter and come running into our arms seeking our closeness fills us with pleasure as well. Our depleted reserves of hope are replenished. There is much to learn from children about how in a good life there is plenty of time to play, fight, and romp in games where adults “lose,” but we all regain a sense of how fortunate it is to be alive.
If you’re about to explode, lie down on the floor for a while.
When we feel defeated, we don’t succeed in what we do. Our children’s tensions become entangled with our own in a tight knot that is very difficult to untie. In times like these, “giving up” for 10 to 15 minutes and lying on the floor breaks the tense situation so that both we and our children can try again with renewed energy. Sometimes, we even give ourselves permission to cry, because doing so helps release the tension. Sometimes, when they see us there, calm, our children decide it’s a good opportunity to curl up next to us. Or sit on top of us. Once we stop trying so hard to keep everything under control, we can begin to notice the present. Without so much pressure, it’s easier to relax and enjoy the children we have again.
For more information on Hand in Hand’s 5 tools for parents, read our Listening to Children booklets .
