Helping My Daughter Let Go of Feelings About the Divorce


It was a Sunday afternoon, shortly after my we had moved to our new house. My four-year old daughter had just come home from an overnight at her father’s house and we had two hours until our House Warming Party. We had been happily anticipating this party since our move. My daughter was especially excited to share her new tree house with our friends, but she had returned from her dad’s house chock full of feelings—she seemed sullen and sad and had lost all enthusiasm about the party.

Curious ToddlerI decided to help my daughter get in better emotional shape so that she would be able to enjoy our party. I asked her if she wanted some Special Time in order to help her really know that she had me. We did 10 minutes of Special Time, in which she wanted to hang out on my big bed and snuggle and wrestle. I offered lots of warmth and body contact. We did “flying airplane” and “trot-trot to Boston” and other physical games, with snuggles in between.

When the timer went off, I told my daughter that Special Time was over and that it was time to start getting ready for our guests to arrive (I was already ready for the party, but wanted her to begin anticipating the arrival of our friends).

She said that she only wanted to be with me and that she changed her mind about the party. I said, “You have a little bit longer to be alone with me, and then our friends will come over.” She insisted that she didn’t want to see anyone else. I repeated again, in a light, warm tone, while giving lots of eye contact, that soon lots of our favorite people would be coming to our house. She became more adamant. “No! I only want to be with you! I don’t want anyone else!” She began to cry. I kept my words simple, saying that I was sorry it didn’t feel like what she wanted, but that our friends would be arriving soon. Soon she was crying mightily, telling me that she never gets enough time with me and that she misses me when she’s with her dad.”

I stayed in close and told her, “You’ve really got me. And you get to be close to other people, too.” Her cries were deep and hearty, with big tears streaming down her face, which was getting red. She cried like this for about twenty minutes, continuing to repeat that she didn’t want to see anyone else, that I was the only person she wanted. I reassured her again and again that she really has me, and that she has other people who love her, too.

After about twenty minutes her crying slowed down. I continued giving her eye contact, and staying in close. Suddenly her eyes brightened and she said, “Do you think Hazel will be coming to the party?” I said, “Yes!” She perked up and said, “Yay! Because I haven’t seen her all weekend!!”

Soon our friends did start to arrive, and my daughter enthusiastically welcomed each person—squealing and hopping up and down as each new friend arrived. She played hard all afternoon—bringing her friends into her tree house, showing them her new bedroom, and the back yard. She thoroughly enjoyed herself, playing and laughing with friends for over three hours. That night she went to bed happily and easily, and slept deeply.

Messy Loud Real-Life ParentingDo you want more suggestions on how to handle the ups and downs of parenting? Get our free video series and learn how to get your children to do what you ask, how to interrupt squabbles between siblings or friends, and a 5-minute tool you can use to keep from losing it with your child. Get your videos now.

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One thought on “Helping My Daughter Let Go of Feelings About the Divorce

  1. Thanks this helps me to know i am not alone with kids struggling. I actually dont know what to do anymore to help her shes just turned 3. And she doesn’t sleep after coming back from dad house. Its not just one night its like 3-4 take me till Thursday to get her hack on track than she goes again. She said she cant sleep cos than she cant see me and cries….. its just horrible

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