When I child screams, “I hate you!” responding with your own anger will only inflame an already charged situation. Here are some idea of what would be a nurturing response, in addition to what not to do.
Children don’t want to hit. Children don’t want to hurt. When they do, it’s because their minds have been overcome with upset. What helps is for their parents, or any nearby adult, to move in and stop them, not with words, which they can’t process while their minds are hot with feelings, but with a physical barrier to aggression.
Almost all children at one time or another lash out at others – whether it be hitting, biting, kicking, scratching or hurling blocks. It’s tempting to think that we need to teach them that such behavior is not acceptable.
Toddlers don’t decide to bite. They are generous beings at heart, and they don’t want to hurt anyone. A toddler bites because a big wave of tension has suddenly flooded his brain. He doesn’t plan this, and he doesn’t know how to stop it. Toddlers’ biting is like a sneeze or a cough—his body does it for internal reasons that aren’t under his control.
Biting! Hitting! Pulling hair! Has your child ever lashed out and hurt someone? Has another aggressive child ever bothered him? If your answer is yes, join the crowd! Almost all of us struggle with understanding
Q. My kids are driving me crazy using the “S” word. They’re using the word “stupid” to angrily address parents and siblings. As in, “You’re stupid!” or, “Stupid Mommy!” I imagine that as time goes on,
Your child needs you to set kind, sensible limits and to have you close to them while they burst out with the intense feelings they have. This spilling of feelings, together with your kind attention and patience, is the most effective way to speed your child’s return to their sensible, loving self.
Many families face the challenge of divorce or separation. Whatever the causes of the separation, and whatever the circumstances, it’s hard on everyone involved. Parents want the best for their children. They want stable, loving
My son seems like he’s in the midst of a contest every moment. He needs to be first to get to the car, first to choose his seat, first to finish his dinner. This is a very irritating fixation. What can I do to help him not be one of those super-competitive children and just live his life, rather than try to prove over and over again how good he is?
If we wanted to make a list of things that irritate parents, we’d find children whining near the top! It’s a behavior that every child tries sooner or later. Some children fall into whining and
A pair of six year old girls, teasing each other in the car on the way home from school. Oh joy, that’s my idea of a fun drive home. “You’re mean.” “I don’t like you.”
But sooner or later, we find ourselves rocked by emotions. Fear of losing our precious child. Disappointment in ourselves or in our children. Fear of having ones own life crowded out by the life of this little one. The emotional specters that appear are different for each parent. Handling this unexpected tide of parental fears is the biggest untold challenge of parenting.
In “It’s Mine! All About Sharing,” we looked at the “I’ll be with you while you wait” policy that helps children when they find themselves in competition for toys or attention. Now, we’ll turn to
When children want something, their feelings are often passionate. They can be gripped by a desire so strong that no other option will do. Every cell in their bodies is organized to communicate that having the blue shovel or the green balloon is the key to their happiness—a yellow shovel or a red balloon simply won’t do. But as any parent who has tried to enforce sharing knows, taking turns at those moments is far easier said than done.
Our children’s squabbles restimulate lots of old feelings in us, so that it’s often hard for us to intervene without causing more hurt. We need listening time to help us work through our frustrations and our fears about their upsets they have. We need a chance to release the feelings that rise in us when the fighting starts.