Dear Hand in Hand,

“I’ve heard a lot about the Hand in Hand Listening Tool, Listening Partnerships, but what makes it so different from the good, easy chats I have with my friends? I have one friend that I met when we were both pregnant, and our children have grown up together. We share and compare the milestones, and even though their approach sometimes differs from mine, I can’t ever see us falling out about it. How would a Listening Partner compare or help me more?

Curious Parent

Good Parent,

It’s so great that you have good friendships around you. Someone close that you can share the ideas you have about your growing kids.

You asked about the difference between a gathering with friends and Listening Time. (For anyone unfamiliar with Listening Partnerships, read this post). The big difference is the quality of the listening that goes on in Listening Time. The adult-to-adult listening that we do during Listening Time is very different from everyday social listening.

In everyday life, we tend to listen to people in one of two ways. The first is: we’ll listen for things we might have in common. “Oh, I have two boys, too,” or “Yes, I’m having trouble with nap-time as well.” “I know someone who went to that school…” The second way we listen is: how can I help.  Often, as we listen, we are actually thinking about offering a suggestion or a solution. Offering help makes us feel connected and pleased that we are making a difference in someone’s life.

As you listen, you might be thinking, “Oh! I know a great dentist, or “I have the number of a good plumber or mechanic.” “This is how we fixed our bedtime, potty training or picky eating issues…”  Listening for things we have in common or how can I help are both wonderful ways of listening to our family, friends and acquaintances.

The kind of listening that we do in Listening Partnerships is different and unique. As our listening partner shares, we simply listen without interrupting, offering advice, fixing, or reflecting back. We offer our warm presence and our silent belief that this person is good and they can figure “it” out – whatever it is they’re bringing to listening time. We aren’t sharing ideas, and we aren’t offering solutions. In fact, we say very little. We might murmur a compassionate ‘uh-huh’ or ‘mmm’ so that they know we are there, as we trust that our listening and our presence are enough.

Because our minds are so used to listening for points of commonality and ‘helping,’ adults can find it very strange or even difficult to listen in this new way. That’s why, in our Hand in Hand Foundations Course, I give parents a mantra to say silently to themselves, while they listen to their partner: “You are good. Everyone you are talking about is good. I believe you can figure this out.”

Coming back to this mantra “You are good. You can figure this out,” really helps me to focus on my partner, rather than getting caught up in my own thoughts and opinions.  We are better able to anchor our partner in the truth that they are good and are doing their very best. This builds safety and space for the partner to explore their thoughts, often quite deeply, and to offload their worries. You know a Listening Partnership is working well when the person can feel your warm attention and feels emotional burdens lifting or shifting.  This kind of attention and listening can often allow people to laugh heartily, cry easily, or even tremble or perspire as feelings and old hurts bubble to the surface.

We all know that caring for children gets rough and messy at times. We do and say things we wish we hadn’t.  We find ourselves triggered in the most random of situations. In listening time, you are free to explore those issues at length. You can rant at your children, partner or parents without apology, because your Listening Partner has promised to hold the thought that everyone you are talking about is doing their best – especially you!

In a Listening Partnership, you can really say anything. There is no illusion of perfection. You don’t need to be polite, because you can be sure that you won’t be judged in any way, and that whatever you say will go no further than that listening time. Probably our most important guideline is: whatever is said during listening time is never referred to again – not even when it’s your turn to share. Just start right with your own perspective and experience without referring to anything your partner said while they were taking their turn.

This makes a Listening Partnership quite a unique – and vital – place for any adult. Over and over again, we have found that when we get the opportunity to release feelings, fears and even old hurts from our own childhood in the presence of a warm listener, then we have a clearer perspective about all the people in our lives, especially the young ones.  Strong friendships can provide good and vital support, who doesn’t need a good tip or recommendation sometimes, but Listening Time actually allows us to do the deep emotional work and healing that nurturing children requires.

Anchored in our Listening Partner’s silent belief that we are good and we can figure it out, we often do! We find new access to our own creative thinking, problem solving, patience and even playfulness. We can show up as the parent we want to be more of the time.

–Kathy Gordon, Hand in Hand Instructor and Hand in Hand Community Host

From the Hand in Hand Toolbox

Find out how Listening Time Reduces Stress.

Parenting is a real work out! What if Parenting is an Emotional Practice for honing your resilience and deep understanding?

How to find a Listening Partner.

Find your online village within the Hand in Hand Hand in Hand Community.

.Reduce overwhelm and stress as you deepen your connection to your children.  Find Listening Partners and get daily coaching around your biggest parenting challenges.  Learn to implement the Hand in Hand Tools with confidence for consistent results as you create more cooperation and peace in your home. TWO WEEKS FREE! You are not alone! Welcome to your Parent Community!