a guest post by Sarah MacLaughlin, LSW
I have been in the field of education, child care, or social work for the past 20 years. I have spent my entire life working with young children and their families. This work, paired with hundreds of books, and many trainings on trauma, crisis intervention, behavior management, developmentally appropriate practice, and parenting strategies, have taught me much, but nothing so potent as THIS ONE THING:
Punishment does not work.
I recently tuned into a local radio station as they took calls to answer the question,
โWhatโs the most creative way youโve ever punished your kids?โ
โReally?โ I thought to myself, โPeople are still punishing their kids?โ
Apparently Iโve been living in my own little progressive parenting bubbleโsteeped in best practice and positive discipline for too long. I listened to the radio show, too mad to dial in, and realized: peopleย actually donโt know.
Iโve been writing this blogย for sixย years about the best ways for families to grow and thrive: mutual respect, emotional competence, and LOVE. Punishment just doesnโt fit in. Hereโs a few specifics onย whyย it is not helpful (except in the VERY short termโand parenting is NOT a short-term project), and what you can do instead toย foster connection and cooperation in your home.
#1. It hurts: The goal of punishment is to cause discomfort (or even pain in the case of corporeal punishment) in order to getย children to do whatย weย want. Regardless of whether or not what we want them to do is the โright thing,โ the act of inflicting punishment always creates an โus vs. themโ rift between adult and child. This divide diminishes closeness and communicationโeven if you donโt want it toโand the result will be lost trust and decreased credibility as an ally in the eyes of your child. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU DONโT HAVE BOUNDARIES!ย Structure and limitsย are essential for creating safety and security for young people. It is crucial that parents hold limits from a perspective of safety for kids, โI cannot let you touch the hot stove,โ and self-care and emotional regulation for the adult, โI canโt get you milk until I finish my dinner because if I do I will be hangry.โ This is realityโenforced with loveโnot punishment.
#2. Itโs coercive:ย A lot of times kids are punished for behaving in socially unacceptable ways.ย For example: yelling, screaming, and aggression. Unfortunately, this is normal! Children are generally terrible atย regulating their emotionsโthis is due to the fact that their executive function (i.e. prefrontal cortexโtheir ability to control themselves) is notย developed yet. Punishing children for behaviors they exhibit when they are stuck in the emotional (limbic) or fear (brain stem) parts of their brain is not only totally ineffective at creating long-term learning, it hinders the syncing and integration of these three parts of the brain. Ironically, punishment hampers the wiring that would produce better self-regulation and impulse control. Holding limits with kind firmness while offering to listen to upset is a muscle parents can grow through consistent practice. All feelings are OK, all actions are notโputting limits on emotions is a recipe for disaster. Instead, learn to stop an action (hitting) while inviting emotional offload (crying and even yelling)โthere is a learning curve here, but it can be done!
#3. Itโs punitive: This is often the case for perceived moral infractions like lying, sneaking, or stealing. Children who lie, cheat, or steal are often testing out behaviors innocently (as in they honestly donโtย โknow betterโ) or they have seen others model them and are following suit. Other times these behaviors areย a bid for attention.If you react with punishment, you are reinforcing disconnectionโexactly the opposite of what would help them feel safe, understand themselves better, and stop the behavior. Instead ofย blame and shameย in these scenarios, frame the situation in terms ofย impact. First, get thyself calm! If you are upset, you will not be a helpful guide for the young person. Then offer an objective overview of what happened and reflect feelings. This is a basic restorative justice model.
#4. Itโs an empathy-killer: When you punish, you diminish a childโs ability to focus on anotherโs experience and be accountable. These are the roots of empathy and compassionโthe precursor to healthy relationships and a well-functioning society. Punishmentย alwaysย bring the focus of the punishedย ontoย themselves. One cannot think of others, acknowledge impact of wrongdoing, or aim to make amends while being made to suffer. As an alternative, you can discuss feelings and impact. This provides a start for being able to โput yourself in someone elseโs shoes.โ
As parent educator Pam Leo likes to say, โYou canโtย teachย childrenย toย behave better by making them feel worse.โ Next time you feel inspired to punishโno matter how creativelyโstop and breathe for a minute. Then, take a less reactive and more authentic action: keep everyone safe, express your feelings, and narrate what happened and what effect it had. This is where true disciplineโteaching and learningโcan begin.
(Click here for Hand in Hand's free download Setting Limits with Children.)
Sarah MacLaughlin has worked with families for over 20 years as a nanny, preschool teacher, social worker, and coach for moms and dads. she is certified to teach many parenting curricula, including Hand in Handโs Parenting by Connection. You can read more from Sarah on her blog http://sarahmaclaughlin.com/blog/