4 Reasons Punishment Is for the Birds

from the hand in hand blog(2)a guest post by Sarah MacLaughlin, LSW

I have been in the field of education, child care, or social work for the past 20 years. I have spent my entire life working with young children and their families. This work, paired with hundreds of books, and many trainings on trauma, crisis intervention, behavior management, developmentally appropriate practice, and parenting strategies, have taught me much, but nothing so potent as THIS ONE THING:

Punishment does not work.

I recently tuned into a local radio station as they took calls to answer the question,

haim-quote-300x300 sarah maclaughlinโ€œWhatโ€™s the most creative way youโ€™ve ever punished your kids?โ€

โ€œReally?โ€ I thought to myself, โ€œPeople are still punishing their kids?โ€

Apparently Iโ€™ve been living in my own little progressive parenting bubbleโ€”steeped in best practice and positive discipline for too long. I listened to the radio show, too mad to dial in, and realized: peopleย actually donโ€™t know.

Iโ€™ve been writing this blogย for sixย years about the best ways for families to grow and thrive: mutual respect, emotional competence, and LOVE. Punishment just doesnโ€™t fit in. Hereโ€™s a few specifics onย whyย it is not helpful (except in the VERY short termโ€”and parenting is NOT a short-term project), and what you can do instead toย foster connection and cooperation in your home.

#1. It hurts: The goal of punishment is to cause discomfort (or even pain in the case of corporeal punishment) in order to getย children to do whatย weย want. Regardless of whether or not what we want them to do is the โ€œright thing,โ€ the act of inflicting punishment always creates an โ€œus vs. themโ€ rift between adult and child. This divide diminishes closeness and communicationโ€”even if you donโ€™t want it toโ€”and the result will be lost trust and decreased credibility as an ally in the eyes of your child. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU DONโ€™T HAVE BOUNDARIES!ย Structure and limitsย are essential for creating safety and security for young people. It is crucial that parents hold limits from a perspective of safety for kids, โ€œI cannot let you touch the hot stove,โ€ and self-care and emotional regulation for the adult, โ€œI canโ€™t get you milk until I finish my dinner because if I do I will be hangry.โ€ This is realityโ€”enforced with loveโ€”not punishment.

#2. Itโ€™s coercive:ย A lot of times kids are punished for behaving in socially unacceptable ways.ย  For example: yelling, screaming, and aggression. Unfortunately, this is normal! Children are generally terrible atย regulating their emotionsโ€”this is due to the fact that their executive function (i.e. prefrontal cortexโ€”their ability to control themselves) is notย developed yet. Punishing children for behaviors they exhibit when they are stuck in the emotional (limbic) or fear (brain stem) parts of their brain is not only totally ineffective at creating long-term learning, it hinders the syncing and integration of these three parts of the brain. Ironically, punishment hampers the wiring that would produce better self-regulation and impulse control. Holding limits with kind firmness while offering to listen to upset is a muscle parents can grow through consistent practice. All feelings are OK, all actions are notโ€”putting limits on emotions is a recipe for disaster. Instead, learn to stop an action (hitting) while inviting emotional offload (crying and even yelling)โ€”there is a learning curve here, but it can be done!

#3. Itโ€™s punitive: This is often the case for perceived moral infractions like lying, sneaking, or stealing. Children who lie, cheat, or steal are often testing out behaviors innocently (as in they honestly donโ€™tย โ€œknow betterโ€) or they have seen others model them and are following suit. Other times these behaviors areย a bid for attention.If you react with punishment, you are reinforcing disconnectionโ€”exactly the opposite of what would help them feel safe, understand themselves better, and stop the behavior. Instead ofย blame and shameย in these scenarios, frame the situation in terms ofย impact. First, get thyself calm! If you are upset, you will not be a helpful guide for the young person. Then offer an objective overview of what happened and reflect feelings. This is a basic restorative justice model.

#4. Itโ€™s an empathy-killer: When you punish, you diminish a childโ€™s ability to focus on anotherโ€™s experience and be accountable. These are the roots of empathy and compassionโ€”the precursor to healthy relationships and a well-functioning society. Punishmentย alwaysย bring the focus of the punishedย ontoย themselves. One cannot think of others, acknowledge impact of wrongdoing, or aim to make amends while being made to suffer. As an alternative, you can discuss feelings and impact. This provides a start for being able to โ€œput yourself in someone elseโ€™s shoes.โ€

As parent educator Pam Leo likes to say, โ€œYou canโ€™tย teachย childrenย toย behave better by making them feel worse.โ€ Next time you feel inspired to punishโ€”no matter how creativelyโ€”stop and breathe for a minute. Then, take a less reactive and more authentic action: keep everyone safe, express your feelings, and narrate what happened and what effect it had. This is where true disciplineโ€”teaching and learningโ€”can begin.

(Click here for Hand in Hand's free download Setting Limits with Children.)

Sarah MaclaughlinSarah MacLaughlin has worked with families for over 20 years as a nanny, preschool teacher, social worker, and coach for moms and dads. she is certified to teach many parenting curricula, including Hand in Handโ€™s Parenting by Connection. You can read more from Sarah on her blog http://sarahmaclaughlin.com/blog/

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