Do you find yourself pushing your feelings down because your partner always seems to tense up and over react when you try and tell him? Are you worried to ask your partner his feelings because he clamps down, and you feel like you never get anywhere?
You aren't alone.
While more women than ever are realizing the cleansing power of talking through their issues and releasing pent up emotion, men are still holding back.
As they discussed the benefits of Listening Time, a Hand in Hand tool where parents agree to exchange timed moments to talk and listen, partners came up.
Are men truly more reluctant to talk and share with others than women, Jenna asked, and if so, why?
Patty, nodded. “Overwhelmingly, yes,” she said.
But her insights on why were clear. Society has belittled, judged and, in many cases, bullied them for any show of feelings.
Little Boys Are Not Allowed to Show Emotion
“Little boys are expected to stuff their feelings down, to not express their fears and oftentimes are bullied, or threatened, or spanked or hit when they do say that they are scared or they're sad,” Patty said.
Conditioning on men in our society starts very, very early, she says, and because of that they have “developed self-preservation strategies” to tamp down their emotions.
Which does not make them seem receptive when we sound off.
Modern brain science shows how valuable off-loading stress and tension is, and women who get listening time see big differences in their parenting. Not surprisingly, they wish their partners could be more open to the idea, or, at least, to talking to them.
That expectation might be unfair.
“You can't really un-do 20, or 30, or 40 years of conditioning overnight, you just can't, even when you are in a tight spot,” Patty cautioned. Even when men do begin to open up, they do not do it in the same way as a women might, she says.
Anger Over Tears
Instead of tears a male response to the isolation he can feel after being alone with his emotions for so long is often hard to watch.
“Oftentimes, the first feeling that men can actually feel is anger and there aren't many listeners who can be, “Oh Yeah! Go right ahead and get angry with me if you need to. We don't welcome that, in our society and in our relationships,” Patty explains.
Anger and rage can be really overwhelming for women listeners. Not because we are weak, but because we get restimulated. “We've been victimised by our parents who were angry and full of rage and we get triggered, we get scared,” Patty says.
Even if anger is not the default reaction, or if a man gets past those feelings, his way of offloading can look very different from a female response.
Don't expect tears, but look for sweat.
“As it gets close to emotional material they begin sweat like crazy and that's offloading fear. That's a really good offload of fear and that works just fine,” Patty says.
Laughter is Good
Don't be offended by laughter or joking either, says Patty. This is a natural route into offloading embarrassment. And don't wait on a man you care about to cry. After years stuffing those emotions down, tears might take a while.
In fact, men should give themselves plenty of room to not have dramatic emotions. Thinking and talking can be very helpful, Patty says.
These small signs, thinking, talking, joking and yes, the sweating, are all ones that your partner is processing. And he needs you to listen, just as you need him.”
If you can, be open to listening to anything your husband shares in the same way as you would your listening partner. It can also help to shine a little ‘secret' special time on him to raise his sense of safety. Spend five or ten minutes observing him and appreciating him as he talks or tinkers on something. Even if he says nothing, he'll feel this warm attention.
“We need to be very accepting of whatever torturous path it takes to build a sense of safety to counter all of the negative judgment on them that they have suffered in their lives around having feelings,” Patty explains.
So, if you want to give a Valentine's this year, bring your ears, attention and your warm understanding.
Watch the whole of Patty and Jenna's conversation on parenting with connection here. You'll learn how Hand in Hand's tools evolved and how to use them to build strong and lasting connections with your children.
From the Hand in Hand Toolbox
Read Partnering Well as Parents if you'd like to know more about building connection with your partner
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