He’d start with an exaggerated, intimidating look. Mom would brace herself for the onslaught of hitting, punching, and threats that usually followed her five-year-old son’s glare. Her usually creative boy had stopped playing Lego or doing any kind of drawing and had become intense and aggressive since being bullied at school. His behavior was having a devastating effect on their family life.
The relationship between him and her two-year-old daughter was in decline and Mom was straining to handle it all. “He had a lot of fear and anger,” says the mom of two. He’d head butt and yell. Meanwhile, her daughter was not settling at bedtime and would wake frequently at night.
Life felt exhausting.
And then Mom saw that a friend had liked a post on Facebook. She enrolled in the course for parents that it mentioned, the Foundations Course with Hand in Hand, and learned five Tools that would come to transform her parenting. One of the first Tools she picked up was Special Time, daily one-on-one time, with each of her children, where kids are encouraged to take the lead in the play while the parent puts aside all distractions and enthusiastically delights in them.
This confidence-boosting Tool relieved some of her daughter’s anxiety around sleep, and she was further helped by introducing lots of additional time each day for laughter and play.
Permission to Play: Laughter’s Role in Helping Fear
Laughter is a known-stress reliever and can be instrumental in helping children reconnect with the adults who love them through fun, physical contact, and play. The family introduced 30 minutes of ‘family fun’ every evening and Mom says they continued giggling all through story time. With these Tools positively brightening their relationships, she felt able to confront her son’s aggression.
She learned that it stemmed from the fear he had carried since being bullied, and she was able to help him work through it using a powerful listening tool called Staylistening, that actually supported her son during stormy upsets and tears. She realized early on just how much he needed these times. It was obvious in his mood and ability to cooperate with her requests.
Staylistening encourages parents and caregivers to be compassionate with a child’s upsets, staying close to a child even if they say very little. “Often he acted out his fear and confusion and sometimes even the exact situation,” she says. He also expressed hurt that his parents had not been able to protect him. His outbursts could last hours, as his grief poured out. “He needed Staylistening daily. But what a difference it made!”
Even as he delved deep into his grief, Mom could feel the change. After each big outburst, their connection felt closer. Trust began to be restored and both children began getting along better.
Help For Mama
But the work with both her children was emotionally draining, and Mom began making use of one other tool to cope: Listening Partnerships. The Tool works as an outlet for parents to work through their own triggers and feelings about childhood and parenting. The Tool itself is incredibly simple to apply.
Two parents agree to exchange Listening Time for a set amount of time. While one is speaking, the other listens warmly and says very little. That makes it safe to talk about issues that are currently troubling and explore exactly why. If a parent breaks down during their time, the listener offers a few simple, caring words, but no advice.
The idea is that with time to think, to explore, to express emotions and feel heard, a parent will come up with solutions that work specifically for them. They go back to their daily challenges refreshed and able to deal with them more flexibly.
Listening Time has given Mom real healing. “I’ve built very trusting relationships so we’ve each been able to work deeply on old hurts, as well as current frustrations. Trembling, crying, screaming, fighting and yawning have led me to some big emotional releases nearly every time over the last 18 months,” she says.
The Tools have helped her to work in play, fun, respectful boundaries, and “oodles of love,” says Mom. And now, her family feels deeply connected. Her son’s outbursts are rare. He is happily dipping into his Lego blocks, drawing again, and more content. He is confident, and happier in himself. “The fury disappeared,” says Sarah, and “his relationship with his sister is amazing.”
Mom took Hand in Hand’s Foundations Course because, she says, she wanted more for her kids. She got that – plus lots more for herself. “I had no idea that Hand in Hand would give me the opportunity to leave behind the fear, insecurity, and pain that I had carried with me my whole life,” Mom explains.
“I’ve never felt more liberated and free to love my family. It’s given us the opportunity to go after our dreams and live in a way that’s true to us as a family, while having respect, and compassion for others in whatever circumstances they may be in.”
“Hand in Hand has radically transformed my life.”
From the Hand in Hand Toolbox
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